Another Fight?

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I'm not sure about the title :smt001

Are we having another fight?
The usual every night.
Aren’t we sleeping at all
To dream
Of the stars and what they might?
Can’t you please switch off the light.

All the excuses
What are you excusing,
What don’t you want to say?
All the exclusions
What are we doing?

Was it a bad idea to meet you there,
That day that was fair
When I saw you walking down the road?

Are we having another fight?
That goes on through the night.
Can you tell me what I did?
What went wrong,
What started this lonely fight?
Last edited by ziggiefred on Sat May 22, 2010 9:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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I actually liked this a lot! A couple nitpicks though:

ziggiefred wrote:Was it a bad idea to meet you there,
That day that was fair
When I saw you walking down the road?

I don't really like this stanza very much. It sounds awkward. I guess I really don't like 'that day that was fair' line. It sounds very cliche to me.
ziggiefred wrote:What went wrong,
That started this lonely fight?

This sounds out of place. Maybe you could rephrase so it could be two sentences, like: "What went wrong? What started this lonely fight?"
Besides those nitpicks, I really did enjoy this poem. I like the first two stanzas, and how you used excusing, and exclusions.
Good job and keep on writing,
Jane
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.




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Thank you for your suggestions. I edited the last stanza.
The best is what you make it!

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I like it. You were a critic for one of my pieces so i guessed i should return the favor. I totally feel you on your theme i get in nasty fights with my parents and its no fun =(. But what i think that i liked most about this is how well it flows and how you didnt sugar coat anything. this sounds really nice even if you read it out loud. I like the rhyming and how you didnt make it choppy just to make it rhyme you really mixed it all togeather. Keep writing and keep critiquing my work (lol JK)
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ehh.. I think I should tell the truth.

I didn't like this much. The idea's great, but the writing's gone astray.

Not all poetry has to rhyme. You either do, or you don't. So which way are you going?
I think, that with this idea, you should pick the latter. It seems like conflict doesn't go well with rhyming. I don't know, but it would take a poet who's been writing for their whole life to pull of a really good poem that portrays emotion with this type of conflict, in a rhyme. I would just go with not rhyming.

Besides, it seems like the following:

ziggiefred wrote:The usual every night.

...and...
ziggiefred wrote:Can’t you please switch off the light.


...and much more of the rhyming in it are very forced. If you have to search around, it probably isn't working very well.

Not to be mean or anything, believe me, I absolutely think this could end up as a good poem but it's not as great as it could be. I need more emotion, more description, more umph. (if that makes sense)...

Here, as an idea:

Is this another fight?
Every time the fiery light
perishes beyond--
we're not sleeping at all
no dreams
of the stars and our fright
I'm tired of a redundant night.


See here, I've took the obvious and turned it, made it into something that more sways with the emotion the narrator has than just stands there and stiffly hands it to you to read. It's totally different because the reader has to process the words and have their own opinion about it. It's not straightforward. :)

Now, all you have to do is edit the rest! I hope I helped, I really thought this could blossom into a nice little poem. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns about my review, feel free to PM me:)

Love, Music, and Sweet Poetry,
Fixed
:smt027 <3
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This was (to be honest...) nothing special. I got the message but didn't feel the emotion. It seemed like it was lacking something, like something should've been there that wasn't. It was just so typical of other things I've seen, common rhymne scheme and idea. I do think you could find a way to make this stand out, though, and I think that's what'll really improve this poem.
Keep writing,
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I love it! Seriously I do.
Yes, I love him. Yes, I can never have him. Yes, I don't care.
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hello.

I love your poem. What I saw as a little distraction is this line:

ziggiefred wrote:That day that was fair


I think it doesn't really fit in. But don't worry :)

Over all, it's good.
Sometimes B sharp,
Never B flat,
Always B natural.

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you want me to tell you the truth mrs leshope?




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i liked the flow of it but i do think that you should put more emotion into it. i couldnt exactly feel what you were thinking.
amanda




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this one reminds me of my fights with dexter... :-P



Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
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