How do I delete this?

2 posts
User avatar
FrozenDreamer
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:45 pm
FrozenDreamer says... · Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:45 pm
How do I delete this? I don't know how....
Last edited by FrozenDreamer on Mon Apr 12, 2010 11:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
perdido
Gender Male
Points 13173
Reviews 150
Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:10 pm
perdido says... · Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:10 pm
some grammar mistakes right off the bat: the first stanza should read

Soaring, flying so high
my heart goes out to you
as a warm breeze passes us by.

or

Soaring, flying so high
my heart goes out to you
as warm breezes pass us by

the other stanzas have similar mistakes. I really don't like lines about how high people are flying, seems really cliche. Its fine if people are going to fly, but I don't care how high. And what's with mem'ry and slew'n? The only reason you'd do that to words is if you're trying to force-fit them into some sort of meter... which you aren't. So don't do that. Its awful, your archaic language isn't fooling anywhere. If you want to be taken seriously, you'll at least start out writing something contemporary.

One more thing: lies are misleading, so modifying the word 'lie' with the word 'misleading' is redundant and pointless.

hope this helps
my webcomic debuts eventually
http://vanmen.tumblr.com/
my blog updated occasionally
http://unmagnificent.wordpress.com/

2 posts


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