My Dream/Perfect World.

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Version 1
Spoiler
Sleep is the only place I can escape to,
a place where we are in love.
You hold my hand,
and your mouth brushes against my light pink lips.
You have no flaws,
you’re perfect.
You sweep me off my feet,
and all my troubles are gone.
You whisper in my ear,
and tell me all the things I want to hear.
I wish I’d never have to leave you.
But each day, the sun shines through my eyes
and takes me away from the world in which you are mine.


Version 2
Spoiler
Sleep is the only place I can escape to,
even if the escape is only brief.
In dreams, it’s just you and me.
You don’t have another girl in your arms.
Your hand’s untouched by everyone,
but me.
Your lips are clean, they’re free of her.
There’s no third person in between.
It’s just you and me.
We’re in love in my fantasy.
You hold me tight,
and I’m not scared of you anymore.
There’s no war in my heart
in my perfect dream.
There’s no struggle for air to breathe.
Your lips are soft as they press against my cheek.
You love me, only me.
We have picnics on the little green hill.
You’re not sidetracked and you smile for real.
Your eyes are bright and you glow beside me.
There’s no barrier between us.
It’s just you and me.
You have no flaws in my sleep.
You’ve never said anything that’s broken me.
We laugh and I never cry,
and even if I do,
I know you’ll be there to comfort me.
We go to the beach and lie on the sand.
The sun is falling into the sea.
Your lips touch my ear.
You whisper the words I want to hear.
There’s moonlight as we walk down the beach.
Our shadows are short and they bump into each other.
They are the image of a happy couple,
everything we should be.
It’s not a nightmare;
it’s a happy dream.
There’s no trace of reality.
But then you say those words;
it’s like everything replays.
You leave my dream and ignore my screams
as I fall into your shadow.
It’s not my dream anymore;
it’s reality.
The sun shines in my eyes,
and I awake into my nightmare.
I’ve been abducted from the world in which you are mine,
and I cry.



(I'm not sure if this is lyric poetry so correct me if I'm wrong.)
Last edited by crescent on Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

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Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(




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crescent wrote:Sleep is the only place I can escape to,
a place where we are in love.
You hold my hand,
and your mouth brushes against my light pink lips. (I'm not fond of how wordy this line is, or how 'light pink lips' rolls off the tongue. Maybe opt another term, such as rose?)

You have no flaws;
you’re perfect. (This would actually be a semi-colon because the second clause is independent.)

You sweep me off my feet,
and all my troubles are gone. (This seems to be a rather trite statement. Unless you know of a way to make it more original, I would cut it. It just seems like filler at this point.)

You whisper in my ear,
and tell me all the things I want to hear.
I wish I’d never have to leave you. (Same thing as above! Of course, you don't want to cut it, because you'd practically lose the poem, but you do need to find a way to make it fresh. )

But each day, the sun shines through my eyes
and takes me away from the world in which you are mine. (Nice!)


All in all, I'm not feeling any emotion. It's just coming off as blah.
What you need are original tidbits of thought, novel comparisons, or anything to give it some flavor! I like the general premise you have here, but to convey the feelings of longing/despair you'll really need to spice it up. Just remember to think about the senses! You want your reader to really experience your thoughts, especially in lyrical poetry.


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Throw away the prejudice
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If you're familiar with classical music, this'll make sense...

Frequently in classical movements, between climaxes there are long stretches of 'suspenseful' measures. These are used to convey a journey or some sort of alternative to reality. While reading version two, I felt that elongated suspenseful sensation, but right when you hit your fulcrum, "You leave my dream and ignore my screams as I fall into your shadow," the movement ends. I believe that's my only bone to pick, other than a couple of places I would use differing comparisons. There are a couple of cliche phrases, obviously, and you would be doing this poem much justice to redeem them.

Aside from my issues, I really enjoyed your poem. You did a marvelous job of conveying the 'dream feel' and it almost seemed like a lullaby in places. As for your question, I would consider this lyrical poetry. I felt a journey somewhere between its winding lines.

Err... One more piece of advice from me:

The fulcrum that I mentioned earlier? Imagine the feeling of waking up from a dream and crashing into the nightmare of your distraught reality. Harness that and shove it into the fulcrum. Abrupt. Quick. Like a bonesnap.
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.




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Sleep is the only place I can escape to,
even if the escape is only brief. (You don't need the word 'only' here, it sounds funny and "brief" should cover it.)
In the dreams, it’s just you and me (I would add 'the'. Cut the full stop, too abrupt. Also, I don't like the way it transitions into the next line. Too many 'you's. Maybe add another line, something like "we're here together perfectly"? You're just getting us into the thought, don't leave it so fast.)

You don’t have another girl in your arms (Once again, full stop is way too harsh. Also, anyway you could rephrase this to be more poetic? I'm just not feeling this blunt style.)

Your hand’s untouched by everyone (Don't need the comma.)
but me. (Change this line, wayyyyyy too blunt. It kills the rhythm and flow you had.)
Your lips are clean, they’re free of her.
There’s no third person in between. (I would cut this line. It says nothing except what you just told us three times.)
It’s just you and me. (Again, cut.)
We’re in love in my fantasy. (Boring. Show how you're in love, don't tell. What is love to you? Kisses, physical touch? Soft words? Protection?)
You hold me tight, (You could say this in a more poetic way.)
and I’m not scared of you anymore. (I would change to: "No longer am I afraid" or something. Otherwise it's too plain Jane.)
There’s no war in my heart
in my perfect dream. (By itself this lines are fine rhythmically, but you're having trouble establishing a norm. It keeps bouncing back and forth.)
There’s no struggle for air to breathe.
Your lips are soft as they press against my cheek.
You love me, only me. (Same advice as before)
We have picnics on the little green hill
You’re not sidetracked, and you smile for real.
(These two two lines are the best in the poem so far. I would add in the comma and kill the stop though.)
Your eyes are bright and you glow beside me.
There’s no barrier between us. (This line just killed the one before it and any rhythm you had going)
It’s just you and me.
You have no flaws in my sleep. (I'm confused, did you me "in your sleep"? "My" makes no sense.)
You’ve never said anything that’s broken me.
We laugh and I never cry,
and even if I do,
I know you’ll be there to comfort me. (Rhythm killer xD)
We go to the beach and lie on the sand.
The sun is falling into the sea.
Your lips touch my ear.
You whisper the words I want to hear. (It's getting better. c:)
There’s moonlight as we walk down the beach. (I'm not loving all these full stops though.)
Our shadows are short and they bump into each other. (Okay, that's just weird. There's a much better way to phrase that.)
They are the image of a happy couple,
everything we should be.
It’s not a nightmare; (Errr. Seems odd to say this. It obviously doesn't sound like a nightmare.)
it’s a happy dream.
There’s no trace of reality.
But then you say those words;
it’s like everything replays.
You leave my dream and ignore my screams
as I fall into your shadow.
It’s not my dream anymore; (I would rephrase this. Nothing poetic about it.)
it’s reality.
The sun shines in my eyes,
and I awake into my nightmare. (This line doesn't flow well.)
I’ve been abducted from the world in which you are mine,
and I cry. (I really like this last part, though the second line needs some work.)


Okay.
One thing I've notice is that you can't keep a rhythm.
I think you should study meter more.
Read poems like Shakespeare and learn to see/hear the iambic pentameter or what have you.
Then, read your poems out loud!
That should definitely help you fix this stunted thing you've got going on.

Best of luck! c:
I'm back!

"Breaking fixed idea!
Throw away the prejudice
that fish live in fish bowls only!"



Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee