Memory Street

I just wrote this down. I didn't edit this at all, so be free to tear it up and make it sound better,
Your opinions matter so much. Please /review/rate/critique!!!

If you could hear the beat,
Of my steps' echoes pouncing deep.
Would you run down this memory street,
And Wave hello shouting 'it's me'?

I'm close to falling off the edge.
Then I look up to the sky and,
I feel intrepid, with citrus orange,
Air so strong, keeping me up when,

The world is all around me, then I descend.
And think of you tonight, let's pretend,
'Cause when it seems you're here I tend,
To fall asleep with your voice in my head.

Then I'm awake and walking alone.
Glancing up to heaven, there is a sudden hope.
The rain keep following me home,
But tied to my intentions, I'll never let go.

Down this road, my mind is a maze,
Closed off, then lights become dark gray.
Detour, there is going to be a memory traced,
Back when we were always dreaming and flying away.

Hey, Pacific.

The problem at the soul of this poem is the story being narrated. I have no idea what it's going on about. It's the way you use really vague terms like "memory street" that leave me wondering what on earth is going on - why "memory"? It feels arbitrary and irrelevant; and so I look for relevance and come up with none. It's that ambiguity that reflects what you've said; you didn't edit it, or leave it a while before returning to it. What may make complete sense to the writer may mean nothing to the audience; a poem needs to convey something, and to explore it. Right now, "I" and "you" are just words that leave no mark on me; I don't understand the characters at all.

You've clearly given a fair effort into applying some kind of strong rhythm, and no doubt, it has had its merits (I rather like the sounds of "Of my steps' echoes pouncing deep. / Would you run down this memory street"). However, I believe that that has damaged the rest of the poem's content (such as the narration, as I've said) because much of the poem is too forced, and it supports that feeling of complete disillusion; "The world is all around me, then I descend. / And think of you tonight, let's pretend". What's going on there? The caesura commas just separate two completely different ideas that essentially mean nothing, and so it felt like the semi-rhyme scheme (which is hardly present anywhere else) is pointless and forceful, limiting your freedom in poetry.

There is potential in this, certainly. But it's hard to pinpoint. While at times the imagery is frankly superb - "I feel intrepid, with citrus orange," - I can have no understanding of what it means, nor how it connects to the rest of the poem. If a metaphor is just a metaphor which in context, is still empty, you have serious problems.

I guess all of that boils down to stripping this poem of its pretty colours and narrowing down the basic idea. How is it to be presented in each stanza? Does this image make any difference? If it doesn't, remove it. Tighten up the poem. Try out a couple of semantic fields, contrasting lines - anything to make the poem seem natural and real, that there's a real progression from start to finish.

I hope that helped! =]

Best
Blinky