:DGood Morning Sun

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The sunlight kisses my smile
Then leaves at night twist and pass our sky
We come together and play.
Children and families talk about their day

Under the stars where they count down,
Till the sun rises they dance around.
Thinking of Happiness and waiting for twelve midnight,
We'll parade and be ready to greet the sun so bright.
Last edited by Pacific_Sky14 on Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
Come sail the stars with me
Through the sky not through the sea
Come sail the stars with me
Take me hand and make believe
Come sail the stars with me
Through the sky not through the sea
Come sail the stars with me
Take me hand and make believe
~JT Lloyd




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I felt like I needed to submit a funny piece...and I don't think it is really funny, Ha! :) I just looked outside and saw that ball of sunshine and said "What the hay? I'll write about the sun and how I'll miss it when it's gone. I kind of feel that way sometimes. Don't we all get goofy ideas by just looking at something you wouldn't usually write about?
Oh....right! Please critique this! I like other people's opinions. Especially on this one they're needed! ;D
Come sail the stars with me
Through the sky not through the sea
Come sail the stars with me
Take me hand and make believe
Come sail the stars with me
Through the sky not through the sea
Come sail the stars with me
Take me hand and make believe
~JT Lloyd




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Gender Female
Points 6245
Reviews 73
This was really nice! However, it made me miss summer even more when I looked outside the window and there's two feet of snow! :D But that's good. I thought this little piece was filled with color and emotion in just a few lines, and crossed your message well. You like summer. I can't really find anything wrong with it except that the rhyming is just a tad bit forced. I really was caught on the title and think it fits perfectly.

The sunlight kisses my smile, Favorite line! A good start, just take out the comma I think it's unneeded
Leaves at night and misses the while A little confused with the 'misses the while' part
We come together and we play. I think you could take out the second we, it flows better
Children and families talk about their day
Under the stars where they count down,
Till the sun rises they dance around.
Thinking of Happiness and waiting for twelve midnight,
We'll parade and be ready to greet the sun so bright.



PM me if you ever need heavy critiques and hope this helped!
winie*
Sometimes you're the apple, sometimes you're the mouth- me XD




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Hello! I though this was such a happy poem. For the record it may not have made me laugh out loud, but it did make me smile :D Not much to critique here, it was simple (by that I don't mean stupid, far from it)yet deep. Good Job!



Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall