My Sweet, My Silent, My love

Your eyes on my back, follow me
Your hand on my hand, hold me
Your breath with my breath, speak to me
And you dont even know,


My sweet, my silent, my love


The dark of the night speaks of you,
The Bright of your smile haunts me,
The pace of your steps calm me,
and you dont even know


My sweet, My silent, my love


The warmth of you is uplifting
The love in you is humbling
The thought of you is breath-taking
But now you have to know
You are...


My Sweet, My silent, My love,


That and so much more

I love this!! It's beautifully written. I love how you made their love sound suspenseful and dangerous. It seems like their love will last forever...

This poem has a nice depth of emotion and feeling to it, but I find the rhythum- and flow to it is a bit off- and that made it harder for me to read. I liked how at the end you say how "that, and so much more" it leads the reader to believe that there is so much more to love then what you hadn't said already. =D

Hello! I'm Sunny, and I shall be your reviewer today. First of all, I'd like to say the simplicity, the emotion in this poem is stunning. I really love it. The flow and word choice are both fitting. You only have a few capitalization and punctuation errors:

emoticon220 wrote:Your eyes on my back, follow me
Your hand on my hand, hold me
Your breath with my breath, speak to me
And you don't even know. (I would suggest you change this comma to a period, because it seems to cut it off more cleanly. And don't forget the apostrophe in "don't" earlier in the sentence.)


My sweet, my silent, my love. (Another period.)


The dark of the night speaks of you,
The B bright of your smile haunts me,
The pace of your steps calm me,
and you don't even know. (Another period and apostrophe.)


My sweet, M my silent, my love. (Another period here.)


The warmth of you is uplifting
The love in you is humbling
The thought of you is breath-taking (Okay, only thing in this poem I didn't like: this line is very cliched. I know we all hate cliches and talking about cliches is very cliche, but this one kind of ruins the whole stanza. I think you should look for something more original than "breath-taking.")
But now you have to know: (Added a colon here.)
You are...


My S sweet, M my silent, M my love,


That and so much more. (Period.) (I also have to say that this very last line might go better as "You are that and so much more." Since you put "you are" at the end of the last stanza, but it seems better to connect the two in this last line. When I read, "My sweet, my silent, my love, you are that and so much more," I get shivers down my back.)

OVERALL: Again, I really like this poem. Just watch out for capitalization and punctuation: they may not seem important, but they can help the flow, and when they are in error, they can detract from the poem. Again, this is very well written. I hope I was of help. Good work!

~Sunny

Hey there; June here,


Do pay attention to what Sunny was kind enough to point out -- punctuation plays a rather important role in poetry, especially in poems such as these.

You did a fair job here, dear, though I would say to cut unnecessary narrative words such as "the [way]" and such when it's a continuous thought that can be seen as continuous by use of a comma. The pronouncing of excess words is a drag in poetry most of the time, as it's usually a bit too steep of a climb to have room to explain all away. As many poems have long since broken free from any sort of structure, I think it's important to try and be concise.


So, basically! What I'm trying to get at here is structure is important. Instead of having each stanza divided up into miniature ones at each line, combine these lines, dear, and get a continuous flow rolling, so that when we read one we don't have to -- and don't want to -- stop for breath before the next. Get us going, carry your words on until the end of the poem.


As far as themes and such go, I'm pretty biased when it comes to love poems, as they don't leave a large amount of space for imagination and such -- which is fine! But I suppose that sometimes my brain works best in that avenue. Nonetheless, fairly done, though I do say that the usage of the topic of love in poetry is far common, and can seldom be fully appreciated.

June

No offense to Juniper, but i disagree completely on the last part. Don't listen to the last bit, Rae. Love is infinity. Never can the topic love be so common for its feelings deep within the poem, shine with uniqueness. Also, I believe a lot of the time it is fully appreciated for many can relate a little to what you wrote. No topic of poetry can be too cliche or anything like that for it comes from YOUR heart, not anyone else's.
Over all, i love it! it flows, its beautifully written, an it comes from the heart.

I agree completely with Juniper but... that's a huge can of worms, romantic poetry.
Anyways...
I agree with Juniper and Sunny; I would also note

200397 wrote:The dark of the night speaks of you,

this is a beautiful imagery, but it doesn't fit in with the rest of the stanza. It seems really superfluous

emoticon220 wrote:The Bright of your smile haunts me,
The pace of your steps calm me,
and you dont even know

My sweet, My silent, my love

This seems to flow so much better to me; but you can take my advice or not, whatever you think is best for your poem.
Nice to read your work, good-bye until later,
The Universe