The Table

Your eyes bore into me as we sit
The table between us,such a vast distance.
The lines in the wood go on forever.

You seem so far away, and yet
You're there now, your very being
As I am there now, unbelieving.

Your lips purse in disapproval at the space between us
But I only smile,
My eyes speak for themselves.

You speak as you look away
I look as you struggle for words
Knowing there is another way to understand,

I bridge the gap between us
You're close enough to touch
Embrace we did, your face close to me

I close my eyes,
Thinking how sweet love is
And how painful distance is.

Not sure some of the lines should have been as short as they were, and with the way you have this punctuated almost makes it feel kind of jerky, which I'm not sure quite works for this. But that could just be me. There were definitely some parts of this that I liked and that stood out to me, like the table being a vast distance, but I did also think some more imagery and other poetic devices could give this a wee bit more punch. But seriously, it was still a pretty good write, I just think that it has a lot of untapped potential.

EgoSumNovus wrote:Not sure some of the lines should have been as short as they were, and with the way you have this punctuated almost makes it feel kind of jerky, which I'm not sure quite works for this. But that could just be me. There were definitely some parts of this that I liked and that stood out to me, like the table being a vast distance, but I did also think some more imagery and other poetic devices could give this a wee bit more punch. But seriously, it was still a pretty good write, I just think that it has a lot of untapped potential.

Thank you! Yes, I re-read my poem, and changed and revised a few things... Hope this makes it flow a bit better! =)

Hey there, Ollie! [Bear with me, it's terribly late and I'm deprived of sleep ]


This is start with potential! To begin, you see the artistic foot you started us off with? The table being so much more than just a table? This is good-- you need to grab that little piece of poetry and plant it and let it grow.

From the first stanza, the poem kind of tapers downward as you try to get what you want to say into text, which isn't entirely a bad thing! If you had thrown rhyme in, I would probably tell you to write it all out and then come back and fix it and such... but, yeah, no, what am I saying? Right -- the rest of the poem reads on pretty much like prose, like inner feelings that you are speaking.

People don't want to read exactly how they speak in story writing, and similarly, they don't quite want to have story style writing in poetry. Enjambment doesn't change much of the fact that the words need to be better arranged, dear.

Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing in the least.

You have a start; in a similar way that you described this table, describe the rest of this -- poetically. Give life to all of the small things you're painting into a picture here and then give it to us. When I read you poem, I want a painting to be pictured in my head, a scene played out for me and such. You have the potentional, OllieDollie, and you can do it.

Best of luck! if you have any questions, no doubt you know where to find me.

June

I love your poetry, MO. But I don't really get this piece.
When it starts off I hear endless table and boring eyes, and I think it's some kind of argument.
Then I have you're here and I don't believe it, which confuddles me.
He purses his lips in disapproval at the distance, while you eye-smile.
He speaks
You hug
love is sweet, distance is painful.
There was tension in the first stanza, and then immediately it's gone.
It's not a bad poem, like June said. The rhythm, the meter, the words themselves are all great--but I don't know what the story is.
Sorry if that was unhelpful I'll do better next time.
Keep on rhyming!
empress

Heyy,

I really enjoyed your poem. The last few lines were catchy, and I thought they stood out the most..
'I close my eyes, Thinking how sweet love is And how painful distance is.'
This poem is very unique, and I can tell you were speaking of your own personal experience and how you really felt.

Keep up the good work