Curse the Devil, Says the Fool

Beauty for pain

A trick, not a trade

I was swindled

I was a fool

To give up

My face, plain

For the pain

That haunts me still

Was the devils'

Condition

For the curse

That is my beauty

He took you

And you live no more

I cried out

I watched him burn you

With no mercy

Laughing loudly

He fooled me right

I was a fool

Beauty for pain

A trick, not a trade

Hi,

This flows nicely and is interesting. It reminds me of "The Picture Of Dorian Gray" (which is a great book!).

I'd cut the repetition because I think that the poem is too short to make it as effective as it could be.

The second thing I'd do is add punctuation. If you're ever stuck on this read the poem aloud, and add commas and full-stops depending on when you come to a new sentence, or when you need to take a breath. Personally I'd try something like this;

"Beauty for pain-
A trick, not a trade.

I was swindled,

I was a fool.
To give up

My face, (plain)

For the pain

That haunts me still

Was the devils'

Condition,

For the curse

That is my beauty

He took you

And you live no more.

I cried out,

I watched him burn you

With no mercy,

Laughing loudly.

He fooled me right-

I was a fool-
Beauty for pain

A trick, not a trade".

In the next draft, I'd think more about the story and its visual reality. What did he look like? How died, how and where? Describe the beauty and the reaction it gets.

Hope this helps.

Jas

This is beautiful. I loved it. Seriously. Wow.

The only nitpick I have is your lack of punctuation. It makes the poem kind of confusing when there is none. So, yeah, just add punctuation.

And I would love to give you a more meaningful crit, but I am short on time. But this was truly wonderful. And I love the title, just catches my attention. =)

good job!
-ash

p.s: if there are no more reviews on this piece when I come back tonight, I will review the whole thing =)

Hey Spiral!
As usual, magnificent. Poems don't need description, it could be a jumble of words, as long as it means something. I love it, its truly remarkable, and seems to flow from that deep crevice in your head. Lol.
Keep writing, I love your work, as you already know.
~Shaard.

Deep crevise...in my...whatever . Thank you for the advice, as I try to get my poems in the best condition they can be. I also think it's funny that everyon has the exact reaction I intend to invoke by not using much detail of the people or the past srory, but only a certain part of a certain event, or someone's feelings about the event. Thank you for the unintended encouragement as well as the intended!

I definitely get the idea you're going for, and the emotions, but like you said above yourself, it's a little ambiguous. Which isn't a bad thing, but the story of the poem did confuse me a little. She traded someone else's life for her beauty? Or did she destroy part of herself? Because for some reason I imagined this as a monologue to her reflection.
If she didn't kill part of herself, then the emotion isn't really believable. She's pained, but she doesn't sound guilty or remorseful, or even all that sad-- just pained and angry. Like senior citizen with arthritis.
I mean, I do like this piece for its poetic-ness, but when I step back and examine the story of the thing its a little like ????
Sorry if that sounded harsh, I really liked the piece. I just think some more insight would really make it better.
pm me if you have any questions/concerns
Empress