All That You Took

I"m generating a lot of poems in 30 seconds this month =_=

And it's awful because I can't post anything I'm writing this month because I want to be featured member.

This one is apart of my "in the closet collection" xD Thanks June Now I still owe you.

Also, I'm really rusty on poetry punctuation. Please help me O_O


All that you took
Is all that you'll take;
Those sugarcoated numbers
All equal a fake.

Sing songs no longer
You devious bird;
Speak only the truth,
Be fair to your word.

Steal not my heart,
T'is not a toy;
Give genuine love,
not lust like a boy.

For all that you took
is all that you'll take;
You need to be careful
'Cause I was the fake.

Hiya Shina! Selene's here and happy to review!

Nit-Picks (or nit-pick in this case xD)

All that you took

Is all that you'll take;

Those sugar-coated numbers

All equal a fake.

There's something throwing me off in the last part of this stanza. I think it's the 'a' on the last line. You can either fix it by switching it to 'and' or put a comma after 'equal'. You just need a beat in there.

Rhythm:
I'd like to point out your beats in each stanza, because some were perfect and some could be modified.

1- 4, 4, 7, 5

2- 5, 5, 5, 5

3- 4, 4, 5, 5

4- 5, 5, 6, 5

Stanza-by-Stanza:

1- The beat was why it didn't read right for me. You should shorten the third line.

2- Perfecto! The rhythm stayed constant and what was said got me thinking. I liked your comparison with the bird and companion.

3- I enjoyed reading this stanza. Not only was the rhythm right for it, but it the words that flowed nicely chosen.

4- And you hit the point of your poem off with a bang! A nice finish.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Thanks Selene ^^

edited:D

xD Thanks Mandeyy

i like it alot, kinda of an angry poem. i love angry poems, i only have one suggestion, instead of saying "fair to your word", i think it would be better as "true to your word", just my opinion though. you're a good writer, keep up the good work.