Angel

Hello!!! this is a poem that i worte in one of my darkest days, is inspired in one of those days i n which there was this guy....I think you can imagine the rest. (not my boyfriend). So here it goes, plz comment, review correct if necessary


Listen the music of the first two pages

Look at him and remember his voice

As a withered flower bleeding within you

As an angel falls and looks like a demon

With a cast so perfect and eyes so gleaming

Blazing like a star and dying like fire

Feel the time slowly fade away in a closet

Door of a painful love or a snowy evening

Of a winter day

So many nights crying and so many days feeling

The same unuseful resentment and the same

Unexpected murder

With handsome eyes and a mistifying smile, he

Comes against his creed and finds torment

Attempt to think of him as your infernal

Blessing or even look at him as your dreadful

passion

Hey Pudin ^^ Shina here to do a review

I. Nitpicks

Look at him and remember his voice

This is more of a command when I think you mean the narrator is the one doing this.

As a withered flower bleeding within you

You were just talking to the audience, in general, and now you're talking to Him. One audience, don't shift.

As an angel falls and looks like a demon

Not "and" because you say "as".

Should be:
"As an angel falls, it looks like a demon"

or "Though an angel, as it falls it looks like a demon"

Depending on what you're point was.

With a cast so perfect and eyes so gleaming

"So" is being used too much here. It's like adding "really" in front of an adjective, and it really really loses its effect if you use it too much @_@

Feel the time slowly fade away in a closet

Door of a painful love or a snowy evening

Of a winter day

How did winter get into the picture?

So many nights crying and so many days feeling

The same unuseful resentment and the same

Unexpected murder

Repitition of "so" as well as "same." Mix it up a bit.

With handsome eyes and a mistifying smile, he

*mystifying
----------

Overall
There was some nice imagery here, but not enough to keep it from being cliche.
This poem has potential and a hidden meaning, but it's unclear and it takes a lot of effort to read what's between the lines.

-Shina

hi. THNKS. and yeah, I know,cliche. Everyone writes about that. THNKS for reviewing it, i really needed it.
And thnks for saying that my dark-somehow-emo poem has potential

No need to thank me xD It does have potential.

And just because something is sad or depressing, doesn't mean it's emo

Oh, I forgot to mention that we don't use chatspeak here on YWS. You're know, so I'll lte you off easy this time But remember to use proper spelling, grammmar, and to not use caps when talking here xD

-Shina