Unnatural

And it floats on and on
No end in sight, no reprieve
I just need a little time,
A little time to breathe.
Too much to ask of the world, I know,
I’m more experienced than I look.
I’ve been up high and really low,
I guess I get this life.
Yet still one question follows me,
With such irrevocable strife…
A bug is here to feed the toads
The plants to give clean air
Fishies swim to feed the birds,
But, oh, I moan in despair.
What is my point, why am I here?
Straight and to the core,
There is no reason, I fear.
A void to fill
In no-one’s heart.
Not too pretty,
Not too smart.
Each night rivers flow
In and out of my soul
I can’t find a reason,
I can’t stay whole.[/size]

Wow so this was really good. Your rhythm was choppy there for awhile....that would be my only complaint. I really liked the river part though, I connected to that. And that's what I think makes a good poem. SOmething the reader can realate to. You did it. Amazing job. I know this is cliche, but keep writing.

*Peacee*

_Writing for love is a passion_

Ha I gold starred youu =]

The rhythm and syllable symmetry was really out of proportion for a while. Better word choice could really help out, but this topic really has potential and a pretty good structure.

I agree with them ^^
Your rythm was slightly choppy, and the word choice was a little off,
but it was very descriptive, and you really got your feelings across.
I liked it a lot(:
Goooooold star!

See when it comes to rythm and technical stuff, I know goose eggs. Haha
But as far as the writing goes, It was very relatable to me. Especially the part about asking too much of the world. Having time to breathe. What's my point why am I here?

Well your here to write! Beautiful

I really liked this!

It was rather depressing, obviously, but I still loved it. It was dramatic and it really made me think about what you were saying.

I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!

This poem was great in my opinion. It's full different feelings. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.

The first few lines of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!

I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!

I'm not much of a criticiser so think of this as your compliment review!

Overall, I adored your poem!

I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing

Meg x-x

i liked this poem
i liked the choppy rhythm as it keeps me awake and thinkin on my feet
the rhyming towards the end was very enjoyable to read and is very well written as ulike alot of rhyming poems is not cheesey and immature...
it is a very good poem
well done
keep writing!!!

-soul destroyer

i really liked this one, really deep, i know how you feel.
'A bug is here to feed the toads
The plants to give clean air
Fishes swim to feed the birds,'
very visual, very nice.

this is genius,
'But, oh, I moan in despair.
What is the point? Why am I here?'

And this is the question we ask ourselves.

i like this one better than onejump.