Lost Cause

Feeling small, weak as dust.
I’m falling far, too far for any hopes
that something will break my fall.
There was no lie created for us
that we didn’t already know.
I simply chose to ignore it, assuming
that I could just brush it off later.
Lost in logic, trying to defy all reason,
defy all that makes us what we are,
I finally see what I am made of.
A fragile glass holding no contents,
an abandoned shack with no owner.

hey this is dogs here krupp.

I really really like your poem and i get that feeling all the time. i think your poem flows well and it sounds great.

Unfortunately i can't find any grammar errors. over all i really like this poem except that i think you need to keep on going. the ending falls short. you should add a little bit more on. i think that it would sound a whole lot better. i would suggest ending on a happier note but you can totally ignore me if you want.

This was amasing and i enjoyed reading it. keep up the good work =D

Hey Krupp:

To be honest with you, I felt this poem was very lacking. The concept is interesting, and you had some very nice similes in there, but I think there are some things you're missing that would make this much more enjoyable:

Rhythm and format

Normally I don't suggest formatting, but I think you might want to play around with that some more. As of now every line is roughly the same length-- and that's the issue. 'Roughly' means that you're about one or two syllables off each time, which makes it feel like their should be an even rhythm, but it's always just THAT much off.

I think that you could add some longer lines, shorten some lines, so the effect remains balanced but has more variation. This doesn't mean writing one huge line amidst nine two-word lines, but if you spread out the length your readers might not expect such a stable flow, and therefore won't be disappointed when there isn't one.

By formatting, I also mean punctuation. Dashes, semi-colons, parentheses-- I think all these would help seperate some ideas in this poem, making them more distinct.

Imagery/Meaning

As far as meaning goes, you have a couple of confusing parts. Such as;

Lost in logic, trying to defy all reason

The first three letters indicate that you're focusing too much on the logical aspect on things, being 'lost in logic'. But the second phrase indicates quite the opposite, that you;re ingoring reason all together. Which is it? Clarify.

And as for imagery, you have the two analogies about empty glasses and abandoned shacks, which is on the right track-- try to further those metaphors and see where it takes you. Is the shack rasacked, the few contents left in a mangled mess? Is the fragile and empty glass cracked on the outside, as well? You can take an analogy and make it mean so many things, which I think you could benefit from.

All in all, I do think this has a ot of potential. I'd just suggest adding to it, playing with your line length, and working in soem deeper imagery or analogies! ^-^

PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hey!

I liked your poem. I found it to be lacking a bit, but you had a very nice imagery and idea.

Lost in logic, trying to defy all reason.

This was the most confusing part. You're trying to say that you're focusing to much on the logical aspect, yet you're ignoring reason? I know it sounds very poetic, but you're adding too much confusion to the poem, when it could actually be very simple.

an abandoned shack with no owner.

That would be the meaning of abandoned, yes?

A fragile glass holding no contents,

Personally, I would make it a broken glass, but "holding no contents" is fine.

I thought the ending fell a bit short. Maybe you should add on to it?

Overall, you had a very good concept. I would suggest tweaking your poem a little, though. Try playing with different words and deeper imageries.

Keep up the good work!

zOe

Hi Krupp,

Krupp wrote:Feeling small, weak as dust.
I’m falling far, too far for any hopes
that something will break my fall.
There was no lie created for us
that we didn’t already know.
I simply chose to ignore it, assuming
that I could just brush it off later.
Lost in logic, trying to defy all reason,
defy all that makes us what we are,
I finally see what I am made of.
A fragile glass holding no contents,
an abandoned shack with no owner.

This thing doesn't deserve the title of poem. Try taking out the line breaks and arrange it into a paragraph and it will sound like a story - and it is a story more than it is a poem. What makes poetry? Line breaks? No, much more than that, and you don't have any of it. Spraying words down on paper, little fragmented sentences, does not give you posterity nor an aura of assumed knowledge which would be the only reason you would try to construct something like this. There's absolutely no imagery except for the very weak descriptions on the last two lines, images which you need to expand and point out the significance, encase the subtlety within a layer of poetics.

Ask a mod to move this into Other Writing or Short Stories because it barely belongs here.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Galerius wrote:Hi Krupp,

Krupp wrote:Feeling small, weak as dust.
I’m falling far, too far for any hopes
that something will break my fall.
There was no lie created for us
that we didn’t already know.
I simply chose to ignore it, assuming
that I could just brush it off later.
Lost in logic, trying to defy all reason,
defy all that makes us what we are,
I finally see what I am made of.
A fragile glass holding no contents,
an abandoned shack with no owner.

This thing doesn't deserve the title of poem. Try taking out the line breaks and arrange it into a paragraph and it will sound like a story - and it is a story more than it is a poem. What makes poetry? Line breaks? No, much more than that, and you don't have any of it. Spraying words down on paper, little fragmented sentences, does not give you posterity nor an aura of assumed knowledge which would be the only reason you would try to construct something like this. There's absolutely no imagery except for the very weak descriptions on the last two lines, images which you need to expand and point out the significance, encase the subtlety within a layer of poetics.

Ask a mod to move this into Other Writing or Short Stories because it barely belongs here.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Ouch. That sounded more like an insult than a critique.

But since you were kind enough to read this, then perhaps you can explain some things to me then, and help me out. Firstly, fill me in on the title. What made it not connect with the piece? Just not a right fit of words?

Secondly, I honestly don't see this as a story, so I will do no such thing as ask a mod to move it to any other subforum. Feel free to inform a mod if you feel like it's that terrible a thing, but whatever.

And really? "you don't have any of it. Spraying words down on paper, little fragmented sentences, does not give you posterity nor an aura of assumed knowledge which would be the only reason you would try to construct something like this. There's absolutely no imagery except for the very weak descriptions on the last two lines, images which you need to expand and point out the significance, encase the subtlety within a layer of poetics."

I appreciate honesty as much as the next man, but this is more than honesty; this struck me as the words of some pretentious kid, regardless of your age, who feels like you're superior in every way. I didn't ask whether you thought it was clever or not. I don't care, really, and I sure as fuck don't appreciate the insulting manner in which you seemed to think I wrote something with a certain intention behind it. Guess what? I don't ever write something based off of anything other than what I'm feeling at the moment.

Good god, you come off as some arrogant kid who thinks she (assuming you're even a 'she' that is, and not some older male hiding behind a keyboard) is Jesus Christ, and knows all there is about writing. Do me a favor next time; you see something of mine posted on here, don't bother reading it or responding to it. I didn't ask for you to be insulting, and frankly, it's uncalled for.