Lying's getting old

Eyes wide shut,
Mouth zipped open.
Picky ears for what feeds the gossip.
A never ending game of telephone.
He said, she said, what about what they say?
You thirsted for more,
From changing words to changing lives.
Deny it as you may-
The hurt,
The tears,
The laughter.
Swallow the truth,
Spit out the lies.
Justice never served,
Against crimes never proved
Comfort never minded.
Names without faces.
Words without a story.
I block it out,
You only claim to try.
Is it really that hard?
To be honestly silent.
She tried to do the same,
But it all got to her head.
A kitchen knife pressed to her wrist took all the pain away.
Don't give me crap about how you wept at her grave.
It was your rumor that did it.
She was murdered by a rumor, a fucking disease.
We're getting older,
So give it up.
Because it matters more now
No one expects you to lie.

Hello,
have a happy welcome to YWS! I'm glad to be your reviewer for today. I just wanted to let you know that there is only one rule here at YWS, it is to review two other pieces of work before you post your own. The 2:1 ratio is to ensure every body's work is reviewed and critqued.

Now on with your poem.

I liked this alot and saw few changes that need to be made. I thought it was strong through out, but the end fall short of any expectation I had from the beginning. Also the repition of now in the last two sentences upsets the flow of things. Maybe try to re-write the ending.

Have a wonderful day and if you have any question please feel free to pm, any time!

-Tiffany

First Impressions

This poem is begging you to punctuate it properly, I mean... begging. A lot of people think that poetry does not need punctuation, but in short, it does. Just like any other piece of writing. The article linked has a lot of really wonderful information in it that will help you learn to punctuate poetry.

On punctuation, I highly suggest punctuating your title correctly as well. "Lying's Getting Old"

On Imagry

I would love to see you add some solid images to this piece. Instead of spewing words at your reader, tell us a story. Right now this has a very little imagry and focuses instead of telling the reader. It's very "you did this, I did this". Creating images in poetry is important, instead of telling your reader all about what is going on, you're showing them. It tends to be far more effective in the long run.

Sentence Structure

Picky ears for what feeds the gossip

A never ending game of telephone

This is a very good example of sentenses that are structured badly. Try saying them outloud, do you fumble over the words? I would love to see some bits of this just reworded. I like the idea of "picky ears" rather than a picky individual. That is a very good image, but it is not well executed.

I would love to see a rewrite of this, with some effective images and punctuation in place. If you post one, let me know.

Hope this helps

OverEasy

I LOVE this poem! I completely agree! It has even inspired me to write things of my own. I love this poem so much! And I know what it is like, since I go to school with you especially. This poem is simply genius! Write more!!! I love your work so much!! I know that you don't think much of it, but you really should. All of your work is AMAZING! I haven't read a piece I didn't like! Keep up the good work!

i thought that this was really well written and a good idea. Most of it was really original ideas with nice words and imagery. However, i thought that the part at the end about the girl cutting herself was a little generic and stereotypical, so maybe a little tweaking at the end? Overall though, really good!

Hello!!


Your poem was great! I can really relate! School Is really tough, and you kind of threw that out there In you poem. I LOVED the wording and the sentences! That was magnificant!! The theme of this poem was a good idea! Gread imagery, as soon as I began reading It, I immediatly thought back to the hallways of my middle school, all the gossip and stuff going around. The only thing I disliked was the end a little. Like AquaMarine27 said, it maybe was a little hypocritical and stereotypical?? But, It's your poem, and I'm not one to tell someone how to write.

Great job honey!!!


~Hailey, <3

i can totally relate to this and i think it is really good. however the first two lines what do you mean when you say "eyes wide shut" and "mouth zipped open" perhaps eyes wide with terror or eyes wide with pain or even just simply eyes wide. and i think you should get rid of the "he said, she said, i said quiet" it disrupts the f lowness of the poem. i think this is really good and you should continue with the good work

I'm not doing a review because it is no need of one. Instead, I place a comment.

I'm putting this in my featured works...

Hey!

Great poem! I could totally relate to it. My middle school's basically the same way......

He said, she said, I said "quiet."

I agree with dogs on this line. It's a little..... disruptive to the poem.

I didn't like the ending. The girl cutting herself was a little stereotypical. Maybe you could tweak it a bit?

Um, could you, if possible, punctuate it properly? I found a few mistakes, such as "We're", but I'm sure you could fix that easily.

Great imagery and wording on this. As I said, it immediately reminded of the gossip and rumors going around in my own school.......

Overall, awesome poem!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!

See ya around.

zOe