How is lonely a Good word?

But my heart can't understand, even though my mind does

This line really stood out to be. I think it's very relatable and it explains how a lot of people feel after a breakup or any kind of heart break.

The is as a whole was okay. It was really short and the lines didn't always flow.

Things just don't change, yet my heart tells me to change

Change is redundant here and it kind of ruins line that could be really good. Consider maybe finding a replacement for one of the changes.

I think just a little bit of revising will really improve this piece.

Wrong section-poems don't have choruses. Well, most of them don't. These are lyrics for a song, definitely.

Hey Matt!

Honestly, Darko is right. This belongs in Lyrics, not Lyric poetry.


I can't really put much of a critique on this, because it's a song. I would probably suggest changing something that shouldn't be changed for the sake of flow and rhythm.

I also don't have an idea of what the melody should be like, so I cannot comment on that, either. As for the lyrics go, I did feel that they were a bit wordy, but, as I said, I'm not sure if that's for effect, or how the tune of this would go.

Keep writing, Matt. Good luck!

June

#1 hello, they arn't any chorus in a poem #2 in the first stanza you say "i don't need her and lonely is the way" first of all that needs to be in quotations and second that doesn't make since do you mean i don't need her and her lonely ways or i don't need her or her lonely ways, or just plain i don't need her. this dosn't really flow well. and it ISN'T A SONG how ever the next two stanzas are nice and i like them. but you shouldn't stop there, you need to go on you need a more powerful ending















TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey!

If I'm correct, this is the lyrics for a song. It doesn't belong here. There's a lyric section if you scroll farther down on the forum index.

I can't really comment on the song itself, since I don't know what the melody or the beat is.

The lyrics were a bit too wordy for my taste, but again, I don't know how this would go if it was combined with music, so I really shouldn't comment there.

Good luck on this!

zOe