A Black Rose

EDIT: This poem has been rewritten and revised! Check out "Four Roses" under Narrative Poetry to see what it's become. Thanks!

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Their love was all a put-on.
We don't need their passion,
kisses and vows, loud empty words
that splinter, give out, and fade away.

Our love was like a black rose,
standing tall, dark and thorned;
strange, inky, velvety petals,
daring the other flowers to stare.

Our love was a quiet dance,
a reassuring touch,
a voice in the dark,
a huge when it mattered most.

Our love was real.

Do you feel the girl doesn't deserve you,
who's not brave enough to even kiss you?
It's not that I don't like it,
I just hate this one fact:
That the black rose - is ever but a rose,
all the same.

Aloha Hawkie!

Have I reviewed you before? I don't think I have, I think I've just bothered your eyes with useless rambles in chat, no?

Well! Here I go. I'm pretty harsh at times-- it's nothing personal, it's just... a habit from critiquing so much.

I want to start with your theme: I think that love poems are pretty much overdone, overrated, and cliche, because they have been written for centuries, Hawk. It's no surprise that almost everyone who has tried poetry has tried some sort of love poem at one point or another.

With this said, it takes a lot to make a love poem original. I find that they commonly follow three themes:

1 - Two people; fall in love; stumble over some hardship [or not]; live happily ever after.

2 - Two people; fall in love; break up; find someone else; quarrel, hatred or other confusion ensues.

3 - One person falls in love with someone; the one they love does not know; the one in love does not tell the person; so, it ends in confusion.

I've seen those three themes done over so many times with slight variations of one sort or another-- at any rate, the poems are usually centered on the angst that comes with love; sooner or later, we need something new.

Now! As for your poem goes...

Their love was all a put-on.

We don't need their passion,

kisses and vows, loud empty words

that splinter, give out, and fade away.

You're saying a lot here, but you're not really saying anything, dear. I think you should give us a bit more; you're telling us their love was fake, just for show, but what I don't understand is why you're comparing?

The only way I could understand this (because it seems like one couple is comparing herself with another couple) is if someone in the narrator's relationship wanted what another couple had? It's a bit hard to understand, dearie; I would make this clearer.

Our love was like a black rose,

standing tall, dark and thorned;

strange, inky, velvety petals,

daring the other flowers to stare.

Now, I don't understand this symbolization, dear. A black rose represents death, or sometimes it represents nonexistance, as if the giver of a black rose wishes the relationship never existed, or should be nonexistant. Very scandalous images it represents.

Our love was a quiet dance,

a reassuring touch,

a voice in the dark,

a huge when it mattered most.

And this is so different from a black rose! In the last line, is huge supposed to be hug?

But this is peaceful-- I could understand if this relationship was represented by a white rose which symbolizes innocence and purity-- things rather than dark stuff.

Our love was real.



Do you feel the girl doesn't deserve you,

who's not brave enough to even kiss you?

It's not that I don't like it,

I just hate this one fact:

That the black rose - is ever but a rose,

all the same.

And now I'm confused!

"Who's not" should really be "because she's not" for grammatical correctness.

But, I don't understand the black rose and it's meaning; I would appreciate some clarity on that, dear.

Nice work, though. Keep it up! If you need anything, you know where to find me.

June

this is good but i agree with the review above. i think you might need a different center or subject. also the last two stanzas don't fit at all. but the subject is about two people falling in love and in the last stanza the girl dosn't like him and really hates the boy??

Hey!

I liked your poem. There were just a few things...

The last stanza confused me. By that, I mean it didn't really fit in with the rest of the poem. You were talking about the person you were in love with, but then you suddenly switched to love and roses in a garden? The transition was to sudden, and I didn't think it really flowed with the rest of the poem.

Secondly, I thought that the black rose was a bit too harsh for a love poem. Black roses generally represents death, and when you said, "...standing tall, dark, and thorned...", it reminded me of something evil. Love isn't supposed to be evil, right?

I loved how the first stanza told of a "fake" love.

Great job and keep up the good work!

zOe