A Ballard really

Please can I have feedback, it's the first set of lyrics I have ever written, and I am wondering whether I should continue....


You are nothing without me,
I set your world on fire
you are nothing without me
you would crumble away.
As long as I’m here then you are safe
for you are nothing without me.

You say you don’t need me
you say you can cope
you say that you are fine all alone.
But you don’t really mean it
I can tell it in your eyes
so why don’t you admit the truth
and tell me it’s all lies.

You are nothing without me,
I set your world on fire
you are nothing without me
you would crumble away.
As long as I’m here then you are safe
for you are nothing without me.

you’ve lost your smile,
you’ve lost your fun
so don’t pretend that your fine.
you never talk
and you never ring
your not who you used to be

You are nothing without me,
I set your world on fire
you are nothing without me
you would crumble away.
As long as I’m here then you are safe
for you are nothing without me.

it’s obvious you need help,
I am here for you and always be
but i can see it in your eyes
for you know your nothing without me.

I think you are confused. This forum is for lyric poetry, not lyrics. There is a seperate forum for lyrics, lyric poetry is poetry that shares a musical effect when read but is not a song. But, I'm here so I might as well review for ya!
I'm not sure I like the message of the song, It seems very egotistical and cold. Not someone you would want to fall in love with. Also, I think that you are very redudant in your lyrics, the entire time you are basically saying the same thing over and over, just phrasing it differently. for example,

You say you don’t need me
you say you can cope
you say that you are fine all alone.
But you don’t really mean it
I can tell it in your eyes
so why don’t you admit the truth
and tell me it’s all lies.

and

[/quote]You are nothing without me,
I set your world on fire
you are nothing without me
you would crumble away.
As long as I’m here then you are safe
for you are nothing without me[quote]

The first one is a verse, and the second one is the chorus. Generally, the chorus is the more abstract, overarching meaning to the song, but in your case their is little distincation between the two. I would recommend a story telling quality to the cerses and keep the chorus.

Good job overall, and keep writing

Hey, e.gill! June here!

Just want to let you know that YWS does have a lyrics section. It's a bit not easy to spy, but if you hit the literature forums and scroll way down, you're certain to find it.

SO! As far as these lyrics go, I am pretty sure that it could be a fairly decent song when it's sang/put to music. I can't really say if it is or not, seeing as I don't actually know what the rhythm of this is.

With that said, the lyrics don't particularly interest me. They're kind of self praising, heavy on the "you message"-- which isn't a bad thing, but it's not all the way attention grabbing.

Goodluck writing!

June

i think its good and you shoul continue but i think you have mixed up the narriative with the lyric

Hey!

As everyone has already said, there is a separate forum for lyrics. You should put this there.

I agree with almost all of the reviewers above me. The lyrics themselves are a bit redundant. You say the same thing over and over again but in a different way each time. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, since some songs I listen to are the same way, but when reading the lyrics, it does get kind-of annoying.

The lyrics themselves also aren't very attention grabbing, as June said. The message of this song is kind-of cold and self-praising, which I'm not sure I really like.

I really think you should continue writing this, if we didn't discourage you that much.

Great job on this!

zOe