OneJump . ( previously Reality )

deleteddd

Hey Mandey! June here!

As I read through this poem, the first thing I noticed was that your poem is pulling by rhyme, and not meaning. I often say that meaning is the more important thing to strive for in poetry, unless your poem is one of those careless sort of rhymes. Here, I think that instead of trying to make your poem rhyme, you should try to make your poem make sense (not that it doesn't! It really does) in rhythm and meaning. Sometimes it's easy to achieve rhyme; other times, it isn't.

I do, however, think that this poem could definitely improve if it did not have so much rhyme; you have an ABAC or ABCB scheme going throughout this poem, which makes it somewhat confusing, because we cannot find a rhythm to stick to as we read along, dear.

But! One thing I want to stress is focus: You have one message that you need to get at. Get there. And do nothing else.

A lot of times, when people try to explain their poems, they have lines that do not contribute to the overall meaning. If your poem is about a girl who is about to commit suicide, just have the suicide. Don't throw in extra lines for the sake of rhyme, dear. When you do that, you're asking too much from the reader, because we read it, lose focus, and have to make an effort to regain focus as we read, which can build up to a distraction.

I do really like how the entire poem was narrated in second person and did not switch at any point.

Nice work, Mandey! Hope that helped some.

June

mmm this is good but does it really make that much since?? i think that the ending should be changed

Hey!

Great idea. Your rhyming rule didn't really help the poem at all, though; in fact, it made it a little more confusing than it could be. Remember, poems don't always have to rhyme.

I agree with springrain in a lot of things. Focus on your main idea, and don't go straying off to other topics. And please don't add unnecessary lines to the poem; it does create a distraction for the reader.

Great job!

zOe

i liked it, you have really good similes in it, especially 'Racing like the shark's prey', very clever. i love the ending too.