Gone

I'm standing in the darkness
The light of you is gone.
The warmth of your breath,
The taste of your tongue.

Sorrow fills me as you fade
But there will be another day,
When I can see your smiling face
Oh how I miss your warm embrace.

You were the one who kept me stong
But now you are gone

Your smile has faded
For you are among the dead
Who have no song.

When will I see you
When will it end
Life moves on, but I am standing still

I need you now, but will you come?

The ending will come, and I will fade to
Just like you

Be gone

This was good. Just a few little things though. The poem starts out really strong, and then it sort of starts to not exactly fall apart, that sounds to dramatic and catastrophic, but it just sort of gets a bit weaker.

Like, you start out with the punctuation really good, and then it just starts to fade. It's still there, you just need a bit more of it.

Another thing I noticed was the rhyming. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but in some places the lines would rhyme. I know that sometimes it just happens, but if you can, try and avoid it. Either have a rhyme scheme or don't.

The last thing I noticed was the length of the stanzas/the flow. Yet again, it starts out really good, and then it gets a bit weak. Your flow was basically alright, just some lines seemed a little out of place to me. As for the length of the stanzas, you should always try to have them be the same length. It's a bit harder to do that in some poems than others, but I think you could manage it with this one. Or another thing you can do is you can have them be different lengths, but have their be a pattern to it. Something where each stanza has one less line, or where it goes from 4 lines to 3 lines to 4 lines and so on.

Other than that sort of technical stuff, this was fine. Keep writing!

The reason it got weaker was because I couldn't think of any words to fit the last part. It was like brain freeze. Oh and the ryming, I have seen some of the poems ryme and some not, so I started with ryming, but then it just kinda stopped. It would be so much easier if I could relate to everything I write.

Please review people

Yo sista!! Warrior Princess to the rescue on her coal-black steed lol. Well other ppl can critique if they wish; I on the other hand will give an incredibly shallow review and scream to the heavens "I FREAKIN LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This is very much my kind of poem; you know the whole mourning for the departed lover kinda thing. You would shudder if you knew how many poems like this i have written for HIM. The guy whose name is way too sacred to be mentioned on this mortal website. I loved it sista!! Keep writing!!

Hi Flower,

First of all, don't bump pieces to the top of the page; it's against site policy.

Flower~Child wrote:I'm standing in the darkness
The light of you is gone.
The warmth of your breath,
The taste of your tongue.

You can do better than those images. Breath and tongue must mean something out of what they are physically, or you wouldn't have chosen them. Symbolize them. They stem from the same root - the throat - so use that to your advantage. A throat of life? Of platonic love uttered in words? Something.

Sorrow fills me as you fade
But there will be another day,
When I can see your smiling face
Oh how I miss your warm embrace.

Reading the poem over once, it seems as if he's died, so seeing him another day is a strange thing to say. If you mean heaven, you can't just toss into the reader's lap a completely different idea like that and expect it to fly. Elaborate on this religious stance.

You were the one who kept me stong
But now you are gone

Your smile has faded
For you are among the dead
Who have no song.

When will I see you
When will it end
Life moves on, but I am standing still

I need you now, but will you come?

The ending will come, and I will fade to
Just like you

Be gone

The pace of changing emotions is confusing. You go from sorrow, to hope, to...self pity? Castigation? Whatever it is, the transitions need to be smoother, else the poem will be like jumping on a train and then another and then another and finally you reach your destination and...it's over. No catharsis. It's gone by so fast that the reader can't understand the feelings, let alone emphathize. Smooth the transitions over. Hint early on at these feelings of hope that you present later and expand on the idea of "hope" itself. Strengthen your emotions on the sudden resignation near the end, make it clear to the reader that these ideas aren't just popping into your head for a few seconds and leaving. They need to flow, not be thrown.

In addition, throw in some imagery, as the latter half of the piece is bare and dry of it. There's literally...none. It makes for a very uncomfortable image movement from the rich first half to the impoverished second half.

Hope that helped.

The guy in the poem has died, and the only way that she will ever see him again is to die herself, and at the end of the poem she does die. I didnt mean to bump it or whatever. Really I dunno what to do to improve it. So I am open to lines to replace what you dont like.

Alright, let me teach you how to critique properly darling.

The first thing that strikes me is that this poem is one BIG cliche, so I can't say much about it. Not just the theme which is common for a reason, but none of your images are original. None of them, sorry.

Now since you're so obsessed with flow, you sure do force your poem out of shape to fit it. Here:

Sorrow fills me as you fade

But there will be another day,

When I can see your smiling face

Oh how I miss your warm embrace.

The 'oh' there is unnecessary and makes it sound like an ode. A better poem would have another monosyllabic word to keep the flow the same, not that very lazy 'oh'.

Also, the emotion is slightly dissonant - I kinda get the idea but as one reviewer said it hops from one thing to another too fast without any real reason and then goes into some kind of 'oh boohoo, I'll kill myself!' fest which is pretty bare and ugly and as said by that person needs a serious dust - some (original) images, a little... more, actually, because at the moment it's too much too fast and it's quite clumsy.

I'm standing in the darkness

The light of you is gone.

The warmth of your breath,

The taste of your tongue.

I know you're going for kissing and imagery here, but, frenching is not pretty, ladies and gentlemen. Seriously, that's kinda of gross because all you can think about is tongue going lelelele snog snog and it ruins it, just say skin, or, smell of your hair, or something. As for the I'm standing in darkness don't even go there. It's such a common image it's parodied more than it's used. Try to think of soemthing that isn't overused, I;m stuck for suggestions since I hate emo poetry and don't write it.

The ending will come, and I will fade to

Just like you



Be gone

The line break there is good. It's the only bit of the poem I liked... at all. It's just an interesting break-off.

Anyway.... Mediocre poem... Could be good I guess with some work/a total rewrite... Listen to the other reviewers, they know how to take a tired theme and make it interesting, I'm sure. Don;t just ask for reviews and then ignore it... I read what they said, and it's still there... First guide for being agood poet? Listen. Derp.

Oh and, don't double post, or if that was ages ago, delete the double post.

I don't know how to delete that post, and it was a long time ago. Anyway thanks for the advise I will try and use it and come up with something amazing, and original.

Hi, yeah im Niah

I thought that the message you were giving was very strong and almost every person in the world have felt some emotions such as: pain before

But you did spell strong wrong(no biggie)

And Im not a huge fan of poems that rhyme soo much, but it sometimes works. I've written a couple in my day,but not a big fan.

Anyway, I thought this poem was toucing in many ways and would love to read more from you