Tragedy

Tragedy
The loss of what could have been
Like northen lights no longer seen.
The faint tune of a mocking bird
Fading fast, hear not a word.
Only the scilence creeping in
Surrouning you from within.
Is thier purpose in fighting?
Even the stuborn get tired of biting.
Looking for someway to disappear
Whilst trying so hard to hide the fear.
A hundred ploaces I'd rather be
But at heart, longing to be free.

hi..

is it okay if i quote some things?

The loss of what could have been

i really don't understand what kind of loss it is..

Like northen lights no longer seen.
The faint tune of a mocking bird
Fading fast, hear not a word.
Only the silence creeping in
Surrouning you from within.

i like how you use metaphors here..

Is their purpose in fighting?

who are they?

Even the stubborn get tired of biting.
Looking for some way to disappear
Whilst trying so hard to hide the fear.

biting.does this have something to do with vampires?**

A hundred places I'd rather be
But at heart, longing to be free.

i don't understand these two lines, though..but i think they're ironic.


okay..first to comment on your poem.
to say the truth, i think it was nice, after all..you leave the readers guessing of what is really going on.
keep it up.

**i'm generous today, so there you have a star.**
god bless.

'telle_04' needs to not take things so literally.
The best writing-i think-is the writing that uses metaphors, similes, and keeps you guessing. It doesnt matter what its about. Thats where you're suppose to use some imagination and try to guess.
Nobody should know exactly what the author is talking about except the author.

Good job, I really like this

thanks heaps guys, the star means here :D just for the record i meant no connection to vampires, its just sort of how it came out at the time :P
xxxx
cheers

Hi by my rules! Nice name
I'm Kat, nice to meet you and welcome to YWS dear! If you need anything to find your way around, feel free to PM me
Now, onto to your review!

The loss of what could have been
Like northen lights no longer seen.

The first line... I can't say if it is a good or a bad start. It certainly is a very used one, but the second line makes it a bit more original. Also, that second line sounds awkward. As if the last verb is in the wrong tense. I realized it was to rhyme, right? But the line just doesn't make much sense like that. Try to reword it, and see if it works.

The faint tune of a mocking bird
Fading fast, hear not a word.
Only the scilence creeping in
Surrouning you from within.

Your rhyming here is delightful!
I believe you meant 'silence' and not 'scilence', in the third line. Also, in the third line, put 'creeping in' between commas. Like this: ', creeping in,'.
In the forth line, it should be 'surrounding'.

Is thier purpose in fighting?
Even the stuborn get tired of biting.
Looking for someway to disappear
Whilst trying so hard to hide the fear.
A hundred ploaces I'd rather be
But at heart, longing to be free.

First line, it should be 'their'. And who are they? You haven't mentioned anyone in the above lines. Maybe try to put that clearer.
'Stuborn' should be 'stubborn', and 'biting0 should be 'bitting'.
'Someway' has a space between 'some' and 'way'. Put a comma at the end of the third line.
'Ploaces' should be 'places' I suppose? And add a comma at the end of the sentence.
The last line is cute. I'm not sure it closes up the poem, but it's nice. Also, add a 'I'm' before longing.

Overall: It was nice and simple. It has much potential, and could be much better. Revise and edit, and you'll be fine!

*Kat*

Just a lot of typos and misspelled words, dear. You should be a bit more careful.

by-my-rules wrote:The loss of what could have been
Like northern lights no longer seen. <-- read the first two lines again, notice that "been" and "seen" don't really rhyme but it's alright..
The faint tune of a mocking bird
Fading fast, hear not a word.
Only the silence creeping in <-- omit 'c'
Surrounding you from within.
Is there purpose in fighting? <--- 'their' is possessive
Even the stubborn get tired of biting. <-- 'biting' can be replaced with a more 'fitting' word..
Looking for someway to disappear
Whilst trying so hard to hide the fear.
A hundred places I'd rather be <--- omit 'o'
But at heart, longing to be free.<-- maybe change 'but' to 'and' so it connects with previous line

I have a problem with the rhythm. Try recounting the syllables. They don't have to be too consistent, but it needs more "flow". Also, you have to check capitalization and punctuations. Other reviewers might stress on that, so you might want to edit it a bit.

Anyway, the concept was a little cliche, but still enjoyable. Needs more refinement, but it's ok!

hmmm. This is ok. I see a lot of potential in your writing style. I agree with bailecielo, you have to check the rhythm, and you DEFINITELY have to work on the capitalization. Capital letters are your friend, use them to enhance your piece. Remember that (contrary to what others may say) you are not required to capitalize the beginning of each line. Make your ideas flow from one line to another. Some of your lines do not really lead to the next, in cases like this, use stanza breaks.

Other lines feel a bit forced so don't force it too much. Check your spelling too, there were a lot of typos.

However, consider that like capitalization, you can use misspelled words too in order to enhance your poem. (Just a thought that I think you could capitalize on) But do note that they can't be misspelled just 'cause they are, they have to have a reason to be that wheigh. You could particularly use it in puns as to add depth to the way you write.

Keep at it!
-Tyler