loss

the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye

he put on his boots and went to work.

the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye

mom saw the truck flash down the street

the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye

took an axe, broke down the door

the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye

carrying people, out of the flames

the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye

timbers cracking, smoke 'awreathing

i hold a flower close to me,
i know fathers watching over me.
a petal falls, ever tired
i catch it, hold it

it smells like fire.

Hello! I'm Colt, a newer member myself! Welcome to YWS!

I see you are new, but we have a rule here saying you cannot post your work without reviewing two other pieces of work yourself. Sorry. It's the law.

I will do a smaller review, until you do reviews. I may come back and make it longer.

I noticed several grammar errors, mainly with capitalization. Please at least capitalize your one letter words like A and I.

The verses sound short, I'd add to them. There's too much repetition, the piece gets a bit boring and predictable.

It was still good and interesting. Good job!

Hey there Silas Switch! Welcome to YWS.
I'm Kat. Nice to meet you ^^
As Colt has mentioned above you should review other two works before you post your own.
So, on to the review!

the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye

The first thing here is grammar. It should be written like this (with capitalized beginnings and punctuation):
"The day I didn't woke up,
to kiss father goodbye,"
This is nice. And good beginning.

he put on his boots and went to work.

Again, you in the first lines you said "wake". That's in the Present. So there is a tense problem. I corrected on the first quote.

Sorry, this is a quick review, and it will stay for this, but I got to go.
Hope I helped!

*Kat*
PM me if you need anything!

silas switch wrote:the day i didn't wake up,
to kiss father goodbye >>> The day I didn't wake up, to kiss father goodbye.<<<

he put on his boots and went to work. >>> He put on his boots and went to work.<<<

the day i didn't wake up, >>> The day I didn't wake up, to kiss father goodbye.<<<
to kiss father goodbye

mom saw the truck flash down the street >>> Mom saw the truck flash down the street.<<<

the day i didn't wake up, >>> The day I didn't wake up, to kiss father goodbye<<<
to kiss father goodbye

took an axe, broke down the door >>> Took an axe, broke down the door. <<< (I was kind of confused here, who took an axe and broke down the door? When you read the next couple of lines, you understand it, but maybe you could link them better with different words.)

the day i didn't wake up, >>> The day I didn't wake up, to kiss father goodbye<<<
to kiss father goodbye

carrying people, out of the flames >>> Carrying people out of the flames<<< (Here we are again dearie, who was carrying people out of the flames. MAybe instead of using different words, you could be more descriptive. So far, I am intrigued by this story though. Very interesting)

the day i didn't wake up, >>> The day I didn't wake up, to kiss father goodbye<<<
to kiss father goodbye

timbers cracking, smoke 'awreathing >>> Timbers cracking, smoke 'awreathing<<<

i hold a flower close to me, >>> I hold a flower close to me,<<<
i know fathers watching over me. >>> I know fathers watching over me.<<< a petal falls, ever tired >>> A petal falls, ever tired,<<<
i catch it, hold it >>> I catch it, hold it,<<<
it smells like fire.

Ok, so this is very well written, I just have a lot of time for nit-picking. I actaully love the idea. It was very unique for me. I would just like to see more description. I do like how you blended fire with flowers. That concept was amazing. =] Keep writing.

Peacee

-Writing for love is a passion-

i thought that was very heart felt but it didn't flow as well as it should have and i kind of got lost within the words. The meaning was not as clear as i would have hoped but all in all it was pretty good.