Outside/Inside

I wrote this in like ten minutes, so I know it won't be that good.
Reviews are greatly appreciated.
*Edited a lot*
Here goes:

Please shoot me in the head;
kick me in the shin.
Smash my head in two,
and shave away my skin.

Carry away my corpse;
throw it in a deep ditch.
Take a piece of paper;
and label me a bitch.

I don’t expect you to
keep the pictures in your brain,
of my poor soul withering
my body with decay.

From deep within your soul,
I know you hate your choice,
to kill me inside out.
So the world won’t hear my voice.

You spread hateful rumors,
that ruined my whole life.
All I've known cut into pieces,
like soft flesh to a knife.

I was just a castoff,
I'd never have a place.
We used to be best friends,
now you don't know my face.

Do you know the effect of
what this has done in my head.
Many sleepless nights spent,
tossing, turning in my bed.

You won’t feel the remorse,
always had enough gall,
said you’d finish me off,
For once and for all.

Your secret’s safe with me.

Hello!
So, about this poem. I liked it. It told a very powerful story. Here's some comments.

Carry away my body
Throw it in a ditch
Take a piece of paper
And call me a slutty bitch

This word really helps the flow.

You spread the rumors
That had ruined my life
Everything I had
Like flesh to a knife

Yes, these words help both the rhythm and the flow and seem to fit.

I was just a castoff
Your old protégé
We used to be friends
Now you barely know my face

And yes, I think this word belongs.

My Input~
I think that if you tried hard to give this a structure this would be a very good poem. Yeah, people will say that they're poetry doesn't need structure, they don't use it etc. But truly, structure makes for beautiful flowing poems that engage the reader more. Try using a syllable pattern for example. You seem to have a good 5 syllable pattern in the second stanza quoted.

Peace, love and sugar packets~
Forever Threnody

This poem had a pretty good idea behind it, but I agree that the structure is off. You start out with a rhyme scheme, but then you change it and include random stand-alone lines. Do you want to do ABAB rhyming, ABCB rhyming, or none at all? Whatever you decide, make it consistent. Also, I'd avoid stand-alone lines unless there's a darn good reason for them. I liked the last one, but "The truth made you violent" doesn't add much, since "the truth" is such a vague term and the violence is shown throughout the poem.

The other thing this piece lacks: punctuation. Imagine attempting to read the previous paragraph with no commas, periods, question marks, etc. Pretty confusing, huh? Essentially, you're doing the same thing to your poem by not including any punctuation. Punctuation helps the reader so much because it shows how ideas connect, where one part ends and another begins, and allows the reader to focus on other things, like what your piece is trying to say.

A word of caution: When adding punctuation, don't go overboard. You don't need a comma at the end of every line. Instead, think about where you would put periods and commas if you were writing this in paragraph form. That should make it pretty clear.

To end on a positive note, I liked the first stanza. It was powerful and kept me reading.

Keep writing!

quietloud798 wrote:I wrote this in like ten minutes, so I know it won't be that good.
Reviews are greatly appreciated, and so are title suggestions.
I'll fix the structure later, because I don't really have time at the moment.
Here goes:

Shoot me in the head;
Kick me in the shins.
Smash my head in two;
Shave away my skin.

Carry away my body;
Throw it in a ditch.
Take a piece of paper;
And call me a slutty bitch.

I don’t expect you at all,
To ever remember today,
Or keep the picture of me,
My body going with decay.

From deep within your soul,
I know you hate your choice,
To kill me inside and out.
The world won’t hear my voice.

You spread the rumors,
That had ruined my life.
Everything I had,
Like flesh to a knife.

I was just a castoff,
Your old protégé.
We used to be friends,
Now you barely know my face.

Have you noticed that,
The effect on my head.
Many sleepless nights,
I tossed and turned in bed.

You won’t feel remorse,
Always had the gall,
That you’d finish me off,
Once and for all.

Your secret’s safe with me

Hey Quiet ^^ Shina here Sorry I don't know your penname so I have to call you Quiet xD

Rhyme Schemes and Conventions: In the first stanza I already spotted a break in the flow. You cannot rhyme "shins" with "skin". No worries though! It's an easy fix of you change "shins" to "shin" so it rhymes with "skin" Also, you don't have to capitalize the first letter of each line! You only do that for the beginning of a sentence and when it begins with an I!

The lines where you say "Grab a piece of paper, and call be a slutty b*tch". I think you should change "call" to "label" so that way it seems more permanent and like a threat. Also you can't really call someone a ______ on a piece of paper. You can write it, but not call someone that xD

Third stanza confuses me, the last two lines especially. Maybe add "when" to the last line because it doesn't fit in with the rest of it.

In the end of the fourth stanza add "so" to the beginning.

And last but not least, protege does not rhyme with face.

I liked the idea of this piece! Keep writing

~Shina

Hey I fixed like, a lot of stuff.
I didn't realize how messy it all sounded.
Thanks so much for the constructive criticism.