Lonely Girl

Okay guys, I changed it...A LOT! I don't know if it sucks any less than the first. So I'd love any advice u have. I think all i might have done was make it longer...i don't know, i really suck at this.

Lonely girl, strung out on her pain.
Getting highs, from running naked-hearted in the rain.
With her soul bared,
She’s completely exposed to life’s thunder.
And the lightning of her past,
hounds her with shame.
She pushes against the fear
That keeps her locked inside herself.
But cannot unearth an escape.
She screams in agony; knowing,
Her sounds can’t pierce the deep abyss,
Surrounding her.

Cry’s of help,
Long ago,
Turned into nothing more than a game.
She hides behind her own voice,
From her pain.

Yeah, well she’s done trying now.
Worn, from the smiles that she’s played.
She’s lying on her bed,
Her makeup’s everywhere.
And her hair looks like she just doesn’t care.
She’s still cold from the rain and from the kisses that betray her.

The riche taste of chocolate,
caressing her tongue,
Bitterly mocks her.
The empty wrappers, lying at her toes,
Once held something so rich,
But have now been unwrapped,
And the wealth, stripped away.

Voices uttering inside her mind,
Speak lies of all that she has failed to be;
Loveable. And it has left her alone.

Clutching her phone,
Tight to her chest.
Waiting for that call that will unwreck it all.
But again, It will never come.

Thoughts roll over her mind,
Like waves of warm tears.
Dream. Dream baby girl. Dream on through the night.
When you awake, beautiful dreamer…you’ll be back in his arms again.

Hello and Welcome to the Young Writers Society!


First I would like to direct you to THE RULES. We have a rule about reviews and poems/stories posted. For everyone one thing you post, you should review two things. You haven't reviewed anything yet, so I would highly suggest you get on that. Also, why not introduce yourself in the Welcome Thread?


My favorite line in this poem is "naked-hearted". It's so interesting and unique. Otherwise, I don't like this poem. You're talking all about your problems, which is fine, but you have to give me a reason to care about your problems, and you have to make me feel what you feel. Poetry is great for self expression and getting out your feelings, but serious poetry isn't just for the writer; it's also for the reader. A poem should make the reader feel or think something. I should come away from your poem feeling just as sad as you are.

You can do this through word choice, imagery (touch, taste, sound, sight, smell), metaphors, sound devices. Poetry has so much too it. You aren't just telling, which is good, you do a lot of showing, but it's nothing I can relate to. You talk about the phone call, and I was wondering "What is this phone call about?" True, I find out later, but it's still bothersome.

Poetry is not a journal or a blog. Like I said, poetry can be good for expression, but serious poetry is more than that. Every word of your poem should be important, and mean something.

I hope this helped! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Also, if you have any questions about YWS or need help finding your way around or something, also feel free to PM me about that! I answer all questions.

Okay, as far as getting your feelings out, It's awesome. But I hate to say it, because I hate when other people say it, I scream, but where's the rhythm? Hee. This could really, really, really be a good and inspiring poem, if you added more rhythm and thought about your plot a little more.

I also know how it feels when people rip up all the heart and soul in your poem to shreds. In that case, I ignore them. (most of the time)

Anyways, if the poem makes YOU happy, And if the poem Makes YOU feel better, then, heck with them. Back to the poem. Sorry 'bout that.

Here are some things to help your poem along.

* The feelings. In your poems, the feelings are kinda slung about everywhere. Very easy to fix.

* The rhyming scheme. In some parts, you rhym, then in others, you don't. A little confusing.
Not to difficult to fix either.

*You. If this makes YOU, YOU, YOU happy, it should make the READER, READER, READER happy. Get where I"m going with this? Like, If It's supposed to make you feel sad or overcome with something, then make us feel it, with depressing or stressed out words. Don't be cliche with this though.

Did I help any? Hope I did.

-Writing for love is a passion (or Lexie)

Please remember, I'm not a moderator or part of the forum staff, so the below is simply opinion.
And also before going any further, remember if the Poem does something for you the way it is, AWESOME.
That should supercede anything else in context of private reflection, then consider the following if you wish:



I actually enjoy seeing raw emotion. I know what it's like to write with feelings like that and it's definitely therapeutic. When you do get feelings like that, write images down and metaphors to how you feel being as honest as possible. Once all of that is out, you should go back and make a check list.

-Are the sentiments expressed here expressed in a way that hasn't been done so before
-Do I want rhyme? If so, is it working?
-Is it too literal?
-Read it outloud, does it stumble or get stuck in certain parts. I sometimes write sections I love, but I thought of them so seperately that together as one they just don't work.
- Do I come to a conclusion? It could be a hopeless conclusion but it should do something about the feelings exposed throughout.

And remember, not everything needs to be explicit to the reader but nothing should be too confusing or without context.

"Lonely girl, strung out on her pain.

Getting highs from running naked-hearted in the rain.

With her soul bared, She's completely exposed to their thunder.

And the lightning chases her with shame. "

---> The best part of the poem, but why is lightning chasing her "with shame"? Who's thunder is it? The rain's thunder?

"And as empty chocolate kiss wrappers lie at her toes,

Voices scream inside her head, Reminding her of the EMPTY in her own life."

---> You have an interesting relationship here between the empty wrappers and your empty life that could be developed more in a way that entices our visual confection. The wrinkles on the foil, abyss inside, once held something sweet maybe like your life but now empty. The thin white strip pulled, the interior ravaged and the vessel(wrapper) discarded and disfigured.

Okay, you guys. I changed it...A LOT! But I really do not know if this just sucks more than the other one. I think it's longer than it used 2 be...idk. I just know that i need help, so any advice would be great!

My-mystique-Eyes wrote:Okay guys, I changed it...A LOT! I don't know if it sucks any less than the first. So I'd love any advice u have. I think all i might have done was make it longer...i don't know, i really suck at this.

Okay, I didn't see the first version, but let me set you straight girl: you do NOT suck at this. I freakin' LOVE this poem. So much that I used the word "freakin'" to describe my intensity. I NEVER use "freakin'." This is really, really good.

But, though it's good, it's rough. A good poetry starts like that. Let me see if I can help polish it up a bit more.

STANZA ONE

The first two lines rhyme, and then the rhyming stops. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that you can't rhyme and not rhyme at the same time. You either have it or you don't. I'd suggest writing "naked hearted" as "naked-hearted." Though I love your images and word choice, it doesn't flow. It has no rhythm. I mean, the first two lines do, but that's partly because they have the rhyme to help them. Also, I'm confused. Is the lightning ashamed, or is the girl? You may want to clarify that. And whoever the shame belongs to, why do they feel that way?

STANZAS TWO AND THREE

She pushes against the fear
That keeps her locked inside herself,
But cannot unearth an escape.
She screams in agony; knowing
Her sounds can’t pierce the deep abyss
Surrounding her.

I added suggested punctuation. I also thought that this stanza should be connected with the next one into one nice stanza.

STANZA FOUR

"Cries" instead of "Cry's." And there's a rhyme here that isn't carried through the whole piece.

STANZA FIVE

Maybe "worn-out" instead of "worn." And there's another little rhyme in here. I actually think that this poem could benefit from a rhyming scheme that flows through the whole poem. It would add that rhythm I talked about earlier.

STANZA SIX

Typo on "rich." Plus, I absolutely love the implied metaphor of her life being an empty chocolate wrapper.

STANZA SEVEN

"Lovable," not "Loveable."

STANZA EIGHT

So, "unwreck" technically isn't a word, but I really like it. So maybe try "un-wreck" instead? I think that's a bit more grammatically correct. I like your ending, too.


So above, I mostly pointed out your mistakes or things that I thought would help you. If you don't like something I said, though, just ignore it.
But believe me. This is very, very good.

Gold star!

Ohh, I liked this. Just one nit-pick:

Clutching her phone,
Tight to her chest.
Waiting for that call…that will unwreck it all.
But again, It will never come.
Thoughts roll over her mind,
Like waves of warm tears.
Dream. Dream baby girl. Dream on through the night.
When you awake, beautiful dreamer…you’ll be back in his arms again.

I would put "Thoughts roll over her mind," and what is after in it's own stanza.

Other then that, I loved this poem! The imagery is amazing, and the emotions are really well captured.

I don't even mind the end sentence being longer. It fits with the poem.

Absolutely beautiful!

~Rosey

thanx guys, thats really encouraging and helpful. I've already fixed it up a little more, but i'll keep working on it when i get back home. Thanks.

I loved that! It was so beautiful!

Onto the review:
I really liked it, but in stanza number one, the tempo seemed a little off to me.

That was basically it!
Good work!

Keep on writing!

I really liked that and dont hav much to say about it actually

I agree with tori1234 the flow is lost in the first stanza but u pick it up after wards ( or its the other way around ur desicion )

The imagery you put into it is superb u must have worked really hard one this
ur tone has a lot of feeling in it

the only thing is the "...." you put between "Waiting for that call" and "that will unwreck it all."

Congrats on a job well done!
Pm me if u change anything (lolz)

This is very nice poem. I love all of the metaphors you use, they successfully help me understand what the girl is feeling. Very nice job.