It'll Be Okay

It'll Be Okay

She holds her child close,
clutched in the grip of terror.
They listen to him downstairs,
waiting for him to leave them
Alone
Alone with their bruised and bleeding
arms & faces.
The child is crying,
sobbing loudly.
"It'll be okay," she whispers,
tears sliding down her cheeks.

He holds his child close,
savoring his last moments with her.
He listens to her breathing,
dreading the moment it stops.
Death
Death has her in its grasp,
pulling her under.
The child is crying,
sobbing weakly.
"It'll be okay," he whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.

He holds his son close,
for the last time without knowing.
He cannot hear while sleeping,
unaware of what will be
Gone
Gone, and never coming back,
no matter what happens.
The father is now crying,
heart-breaking tears.
"It'll be okay," the son whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want me to explain the last stanza, just send me a message and I'll tell you. It's a long, sad story that I didn't feel like typing.

Aww! That was so sad. Wonderfully written, but horribly sad! That's a good thing, though. You made me feel sad! So you have fulfilled your job as a writer. To make the reader feel your emotion in one sense or another. So I applaud you and give you a gold star!

Peace

_Writing for love is a passion_

~Lexie~

Wow. Such a sad poem. And I agree with Writing for love is a passion, you accomplished your job as a writer. I love how you break up your poem with one word. It makes what you want to say stand out. I liked how you used three different people and how someone always tries to comfort the other. This is what made the poem so emotional. I'm not one for monotony, but the way you repeated some of the lines made it even that more emotional. Great use of word choice, by the way. It really effects the tone of the poem. Wonderful job!

Keep writing,
Becca

[Deleted ~ Snoink]

i was happy 30 seconds ago
in other words, well done!
awsome imagery too, can imagine it so easily its creepy (or maybe that's just me?)
very powerful wording

well done, keep writing!

-Grimy

(did anyone else notice huggybear123's post is... similar, to say the least... to writ3rindisguis3's???)

I noticed too. She obviously did it for points.

So anyway! That poem was really sad. I wouldn't like to feel that way, nor would anyone.

Yay! That's the first time I actually SAY/WRITE nor! Party!!!!!

Keep writing!

That's a really sad poem=[

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But I awarded it with a gold star=]


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just bacause i thought you deserved it (:

Hey there... I was happily singing along a happy song when this stumbled in my way. I thought it was interesting and read it. Big mistake. I'm sad!!!!!!!
This is incredible beautifully written! And your a novice, so very good job!
I found something here that most poems don't accomplish, or don't accomplish entirely. The imagery. I could feel the people feelings; I could actually see them.
So, thanks for making me sad, because it was totally worth it!
Gold star

*Kat*

I'm sorry to kind of break the positive review streak, but I really didn't feel all that much in these stanzas. >_<;; I mean, the repetition of 'it's okay' takes away from the power that could have been in each individual situation. Though the people in each place might have said those words, it kind of makes it seems like all the situations are the same and they are worth just as much as one another, when you could have gone deeper into each story by giving them uniqueness.

Personally, I thought the first stanza was the strongest. You slipped terror in there along with sadness, and I think you could go further with that image. ^_^

The child is crying,

sobbing loudly.

"It'll be okay," she whispers,

tears sliding down her cheeks.

Here, if you don't clarify, it makes it seem like the child is whispering, because the child is the last thing you referred to. xP I know it might kind of break up the flow, but that's the way it's portrayed now. >_<

savoring his last moments with her.

Hmm. In my opinion, I don't know that 'savoring' is the best word here. It's kind of like saying he's enjoying them... which I don't think is the case, since they're crying, right? Perhaps 'clinging to' would be a better message? ^_^

The father is now crying,

heart-breaking tears.

Here, if you're keeping the poem as it is, you should take out 'now', to keep it the same as in the rest of the poem.

Anyways, I think it has a lot of potential, but try to work the emotion in there through maybe deeper imagery, more powerful words, etc. ^_^

-Hannah-

Thank you guys so much for all the positive and helpful things you said! I feel very special right now.
Anyways, I will tell you that all the stuff in the first two stanzas is made-up, and the last stanza is based on something real. A few months ago, my geography teacher's son died. I didn't actually know the son, but I saw him around school and my friend and would comment on his hot-ness (yes, we do that- comment on guys' hot-ness). Anyways, when he died, it hit me like a dead weight, because, up until then, I had never experienced death or the gone-ness that accompanies it. I know this sounds shallow, but it inspired me to write a series of more morbid poems. What you guys read was the one I posted because I thought it was the best. So, thanks so much for...liking it, i guess [?] ! It makes me feel good.

Oh, by the way, rumor is the son died of a drug overdose, just incase you're wondering. Don't know, though, for sure.

Beautiful and sad. Sorry there is nothing more I would like to fix. I get the child abuse in the first stanza. Tears****

Hi, darling. First of all I want to let you know this is a wonderful poem. I'm going to help with the punctuation.

She holds her child close,
clutched in [s]the[/s]a grip of terror. I think "a" suits it better.
They listen to him downstairs,
waiting for him to leave them
Alone.
Alone with their bruised and bleeding
arms & faces.
The child is crying,
sobbing loudly.
"It'll be okay," she whispers,
tears sliding down her cheeks. I love these last two lines. I like how they repeat; they link all the different stories together.

He holds his child close,
savoring his last moments with her.
He listens to her breathing,
dreading the moment it stops.
Death
Death has her in its grasp,
pulling her under.
The child is crying,
sobbing weakly.
"It'll be okay," he whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.

He holds his son close,
for the last time without knowing.
He cannot hear while sleeping,
unaware of what will be
Gone
Gone, and never coming back,
no matter what happens.
The father is now crying,
heart-breaking tears.
"It'll be okay," the son whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want me to explain the last stanza, just send me a message and I'll tell you. It's a long, sad story that I didn't feel like typing.

Hi, darling. First of all I want to let you know this is a wonderful poem. I'm going to help with the punctuation.

She holds her child close,
clutched in [s]the[/s]a grip of terror. I think "a" suits it better.
They listen to him downstairs,
waiting for him to leave them
Alone.
Alone with their bruised and bleeding
arms & faces.
The child is crying,
sobbing loudly.
"It'll be okay," she whispers,
tears sliding down her cheeks. I love these last two lines. I like how they repeat; they link all the different stories together.

He holds his child close,
savoring his last moments with her.
He listens to her breathing,
dreading the moment it stops.
Death.
Death has her in its grasp,
pulling her under.
The child is crying,
sobbing weakly.
"It'll be okay," he whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.

He holds his son close,
for the last time without knowing.
He cannot hear while sleeping,
unaware of what will be
Gone.
Gone, and never coming back,
no matter what happens.
The father is now crying,
heart-breaking tears.
"It'll be okay," the son whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.

*tears* Beautiful poem. I love that you linked three tragic stories together with a common theme and the same last two lines in each stanza. I could picture each sad situation in my mind vividly.
Gold star for you.

Love,
Music.

EAHailstone wrote:It'll Be Okay

She holds her child close,
clutched in the grip of terror. I agree, it should be 'a'
They listen to him downstairs,
waiting for him to leave themThe 'them' is unnecessary
Alone
Alone with their bruised and bleeding
arms & faces.
The child is crying,
sobbing loudly.
"It'll be okay," she whispers, who whispered?
tears sliding down her cheeks.

He holds his child close,
savoring his last moments with her.
He listens to her breathing,
dreading the moment it stops.
Death
Death has her in its grasp,
pulling her under.
The child is crying,
sobbing weakly.
"It'll be okay," he whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.

He holds his son close,
for the last time without knowing.
He cannot hear while sleeping,
unaware of what will be
Gone
Gone, and never coming back,
no matter what happens.
The father is now crying,
heart-breaking tears.
"It'll be okay," the son whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.
Confusing last paragraph . . . what son?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want me to explain the last stanza, just send me a message and I'll tell you. It's a long, sad story that I didn't feel like typing.

Awww, so sad!

i am an official depressed person and it made me quite happy that you got your point as a writer across. I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE it ( way too much..) It was sad and the last paregraph was confusing but I was too sad to notice it before.

Love ya lots,

Lizzi