Stains

Stains

11 am:
chemicals made to stand as numbers
the maul of heat
casket of sweat and odour
shirt worn like a souvenir

the
flicker
flash of
ing b l i n d n e s s
in into
to the
a windscreen
c a v e r n


memory already glinting
in the centre of my skull

that reflection
of happiness like a lit fuse
erupting light:

the sound of a mouth talking
and limbs painting surreal portraits
fingers flirting between false light and darkness


the flicker


To disappear into yourself
spit around poetry at faces
like conversation

this chauffeur of my body
and mind

where do you disappear to?


For the next few days I can still sense the shadow
like paint washing out in the heat of my eyelids
undiscoverable vein
of embarrassment and hope

Haha ok... for a start this should probably be in "dramatic" poetry... although its weird uve got those two "types" and not others.... anyway its supposed to be centre justified- just to my eyes it does the shaping in the middle better so i added the attachment. And anyway yeah.. id appreciate some feedback.

Well, the mere mood of this one is fairly intense and creepy..I'll give you that.

At times though it just seems like the lines are purposely vague or something. It's hard to understand what exactly is being spoken about. I didn't get it until I was past the wavy lines. And even then, a lot of the lines don't seem to make sense. Even if they do make sense to you, you should try to find a way so that the audience gets it as well. So I think it'd be wise if you look at the work and rethink some of the lines you wrote in there; I won't tell you which lines, because I'm sure you don't need my help figuring out what works and what doesn't.

Otherwise, cheers.

You ever been drunk Krupp?

Sure have. Doesn't mean that one writes better when he's drunk though.

Hahaha don't even worry about it man... for the record I obviously wasn't drunk when I wrote this. If you haven't already, you should read some Ondaatje.

Guys, please keep this on topic and don't clog up the thread. Chat somewhere else.

Hello! I'm Gahks and I'll be reviewing your work today.

You clearly possess some talent and some of your images are absolutely wonderful:

"...the sound of a mouth talking
and limbs painting surreal portraits
fingers flirting between false light and darkness..."

However, in some areas the speaker's thoughts don't seem to be going anywhere. If you make the argument of the poem more precise and coherent, this could really be fantastic!

Good work for a first piece (not that I've read many) from a newbie on the forum. You do have a talent, like I said; now I would like you to develop it and take it further.

Good luck!

Gahks

7.5/10

Oh! Welcome to YWS! I hope you're having fun!
And to the poem... Cool format! I love this poem! It's so flowing. Just a bit of corrections;

chemicals made to stand as numbers
the maul of heat
casket of sweat and odor
a shirt worn like a souvenir

Just a few spelling errors and add punctuation for everything- it makes for a smoother read.

that reflection
of happiness like a lit fuse-
erupting light:

Just a hyphen.

For the next few days I can still sense the shadow
like paint washing out in the heat of my eyelids
undiscovered vein
of embarrassment and hope

Don't use fake words. This is a very beautiful poem but it takes away from it if you do.

Again, this flowed very beautifully. Although it is a bit confusing. Perhaps you could subtly unmask the purpose behind this because I read your lines and fathomed them as much as I could but I still couldn't get anything out of it. You use wonderful figurative language and the whole thing is very smooth. Punctuation adds to the flow of the poem though. I was talking with hobbes about it and he never uses it but I though it just took away from the whole reading experience. The format was very cool I must admit although space it in a way that the reader will know which one to read first. I think that this has good potential so keep writing!

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Okay Ben, got your message. I recommend not asking me to review poetry, but I agree with other comments. It is very intense. Sort of dark, actually, from what I picked up.

Now, I can't do a fairly detailed review since I'm not poetic in any way at all, so all I'm going to say is that if this is for school I expect you'll get an A.

Other than that, good job.

And if you come up with any stories, pm me and i'll scan through it. With stories there is plenty to review!

*smiles evily*

Well I have to say, this was pretty cool. I liked the part with the slanting words they sounded awsome. I am not very good at reviewing poetry since I am not so good at it myself. I really liked this so good job ^_^