For Tomorrow

Break through all barriers,
Cut through those chains;
Stand between anger,
Receive the World's pain.

Tear down those buildings,
Those falsehoods of hope;
Capture corruption,
Tie Power with rope.

Burn the gunpowder,
Smash all the guns!
Explode Hope through nations
And face to the sun.

Sabotage violence,
Destroy the World's woe;
Lay down those weapons
And welcome tomorrow.

Nice stuff.....I like the theme ...

1st stanza 3rd verse: stand between anger? How can you stand between one thing?

2nd stanza 4th verse: Nice caption with "Power", but tie it with rope? Use more imagination for this one...

3rd stanza: Very nice.

4th stanza: woe-tomorrow---not a rhyme...

Whole poem: These imperatives are a little too much...like I'm watching a commercial (buy this, check this out, try our soap,...). All in all I liked this one.

Poems don't have to rhyme. Sometimes when you rhyme too much the poem goes bad. Very well retten. I liked the moral and emotions that you showed.

lordgluzman wrote:Poems don't have to rhyme. Sometimes when you rhyme too much the poem goes bad.

I agree with you, but that was something between rhyme and nothing. He can make things clearer next time with choosing other words. English has more than 500 thousand words, why would he choose "tomorrow"???

Okay, first, I'm a she.

Next, thanks a lot for the reviews.

Okay, I am aware of the existence of free-verse but I find it harder than a rhyming poem. Tomorrow was used because it is about tomorrow but perhaps I should add another stanza with tomorrow at the end and change the word that rhymes with woe. Anyway, I'll edit it when I find time. I have exams tomorrow so my world is busy.

wow.. i really like this poem!!!! it's really fun too read.. it kind of makes you want to just sit there and read it through aloud repetitively until your mother comes upstairs to take your temperature thinking you must be either crazy or ill!!! something i find interesting (not bad.. just interesting), is how it's sort of about fighting violence with violence. you know what i mean? its kind of cool... and a little confusing.. and, there is something about the last stanza.. I'm not sure what it is.. but it sort of stops the flow... but i love it!!!! i also think it's neat how you find that rhyming poems are easier to write then free verse, because i used to TOTALLY agree... and i love writing rhyming poems, but being forced to come up with free verse poems really changed my perspective.....

i also think it's neat how you find that rhyming poems are easier to write then free verse, because i used to TOTALLY agree... and i love writing rhyming poems, but being forced to come up with free verse poems really changed my perspective.....

When I TRY to write in free verse it sounds really weird. It lacks depth or something. I have a total of two free verse poems. It's really difficult.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Okay, first, I'm a she.

Whoops..sorry...

I think this was very good. Aside from that last verse the entire poem flowed very nicely. I agree that maybe you should add an extra stanza and have it end with tomorrow, because it really does take a little something away from the poem. It's not really such a big deal though. Overall, great poem. I liked the concept, and my favorite stanza was definately the third one

Break through all barriers,
Cut through [s]those[/s] the chains; 'those' makes it sound like a work-out commercial. You know? Like..."Lift those legs, ladies! Do those squats!
Stand between anger,
Receive the World's pain.

Nice. At first, I felt the rhymes were forced, but then, what rhyming isn't? It works, so don't mind me.

Tear down those buildings, 'those' again...
Those falsehoods of hope; and again...
Capture corruption,
Tie Power with rope. Love these last two lines!

Burn all the gunpowder,
Smash all the guns!
Explode Hope through nations
And face towards the sun.

Sabotage violence,
Destroy the World's woe;
Lay down those weapons and again...
And welcome tomorrow. 'Woe' and 'tomorrow' sound like they'd rhyme, but they really don't once put into context. It's a syllable thing. Sorry to burst your rhyming scheme.

Now!

As somebody said earlier, you're being quite bossy. Do this! Do that! You don't tell us why we should follow you're instructions blindly; you don't tell us what good will come out of it. Food for thought, that's all.

Also, you have funky capitilization. You capitalize 'Power' and 'Hope' so I was like, okay, cool, she's gonna capitalize the emotions and concepts. Groovy. But then, you don't capitalize 'violence'. So that runied my theory.

And your 'those' repitition gets to me. I don't like that word. It can easily be substitutted (sp?) for 'the' or 'a'. Or even 'their'.

This was nice. It had a good concept and an even rhyme. I liked it! Good luck with any revisions you choose to make.

~Evi