If Life is But a Dream

If life is but a dream,
then let me sleep forever,
drifting through my existence
in peaceful slumber.

If the world is but drowning in a
pool of cosmic emptiness,
then shall we drown along with it?
Or attempt to swim through the murk.

If life is but fantasy,
then let it never end.
Keep the story moving forward
through these long, harsh years.

If the mind is but a storm and
genius comes to the one who can fight
to reach the deadly center
Then let my agonies go unseen

Will love be just a desire?
Only for the ones who still
believe in the fairytales
that keeps a child innocent.

If all of life is but a dream,
then let me drown in the
storm of knowledge that bombards
our oh so fragile minds
in undying the hope of
A perfect life.

Hi guitargrl

If the world is [s]but[/s] drowning in a
pool of cosmic emptiness,
then shall we drown along with it?
Or attempt to swim through the murk?

Just take out 'but' and add correct punctuation at the end.

If the mind is but a storm and
genius comes to the one who can fight
to reach the deadly center
Then let my agonies go unseen

This made virtually no sense. I couldn't make head or tails of what you were trying to express. How about you try and build upon the metaphor of the mind being a storm? Make that idea more clear and understandable for readers.

If all of life is but a dream,
then let me drown in the
storm of knowledge that bombards
our oh so fragile minds
in undying the hope
of a perfect life.

I would remove 'of' from the end of the second to last line and just allow it to start the last.

Other than what I pointed out, I liked it. It was interesting to read, and although this idea is rather cliched, I think you did a good job of making it seem fresh.
Keep up the good work,


*anti-pop

I couldn't find anything at all wrong with the first stanza-it was immaculate! But the rest--eh, there were a few little fussy things. Here it is with the changes I'd make...

"If the world is but drowning in a

pool of cosmic emptiness,

then shall we drown along with it? (I'd leave out the ? there, use a comma...)

Or attempt to swim through the murk. (..and put it at then end of this line.)



If life is but fantasy,

then let it never end. (I loved this line!)

Keep the story moving forward(I'd add an 's' to forward)

through these long, harsh years.



If the mind is but a storm and (take 'and' to the next line, put comma after storm)

genius comes to the one who can fight

to reach the deadly center(put either a ; or a , here)

Then let my agonies go unseen(this line screams for a period)



Will love be just a desire?(scratch the ?, use a comma instead...)

Only for the ones who still

believe in the fairytales (and put it right there after fairytales.)

that keeps a child innocent. *scratches head in confusion: why did you put this line here? Does it mean that fairlytales keep a child innocent? I'm confused. PM me or something if you want to about this line.*



If all of life is but a dream,

then let me drown in the

storm of knowledge that bombards

our oh so fragile minds (oh so fragile minds should be 'oh-so-fragile'. just put in dashes)

in undying the hope of

A perfect life."

Other than that, it's the best poem I've read in a long, long time. Keep writing!
Cheers!
--Voxina

Wow! It seems like every poem I look at randomly, appears to be written by you. I love your poems!!! I would actually like to have a book of poems by you. They are beautiful!

I liked this, though thought it weakened as it went on. First and foremost I think the bulk of it is borderline over-analytical; it sounded as though some of the lines were either empty metaphors or overly thought, as in they don't make much sense on the surface. For example;

"If the mind is but a storm and
genius comes to the one who can fight
to reach the deadly center
Then let my agonies go unseen"

It does sound as though this has deep meaning, but I couldn't make sense of it. I also think "agony" would work better. The stanza comes across as an unattractive and perhaps empty metaphor because the words are over-qualified.

Having said all that the poem has some intriguing images, notably the first two stanzas. You should put another question mark after the line about swimming through the murk. All in all I think the piece has potential, but would reccomend sticking to the simplistic yet intellectual language and tone without overdoing either. Kudos