Colorful Cubes, Delicate Glasses, and French Perfume

--

I see them there,
pretty faces, stylish hair.
I look at you, you're not the same,
and yet I still know not your name.

<Nice Opener; You have my attention>

I wish I had the balls
to move...instead I sit here,
between us building walls
of needless fear.

<"I ... balls" jarred me a bit; "between ... fear" reword but I like the effect>

Following you is a scent so strong,
It distracts the flow of my stupid song.
Faceless emotions I wish to abhor
slowly fade as you walk out the door.

<"Following ... song" Awkward phrasing but nice flow>

Alas, I can't follow, at least not today.
But perhaps the next lifetime...well, who's to say?

<"But ... lifetime" seems a little old-fashioned for a poem with the word 'balls' in it>

I can tell you are talented, but, like you said, it does need some editing. GREAT start though! Maybe it's the voyeur in me, but I like this a lot.

Edit more; Then PM when you have!

Adrian

Your rhymes are forced. (See: ...I wish to abhor/....walk out the door) The title promised more than the poem gave. Your meter is actually not so bad, but you get there because you fill it up with needless words. Use that sense of meter to your benefit. Find phrases that are original and sound that fit your meter as opposed to throwing in extra words to fill up osme syllable count.

this is pretty good
as the person above me said, the rhymes are a little forced. In order to make them better you should also think about the rhythm more.

[quoteI wish I had the balls
to move...instead I sit here,
between us building walls
of needless fear.

[/quote]
This is a little crude. Instead of saying balls, try rewording it. If it doesn't fit the rhyme scheme then try re-wording the entire stanza.
keep writing
-Brenner