Broken and Forgotten

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Broken
Small fragments are left over
From a whirlwind of pain
-
Forgotten
No one can remember
Who I am
Or that I exist at all
-
Broken
Just that one
The one I though
Would be mine forever
-
Forgotten
Left alone
To die alone
-
Broken
Hearted
No more tears left
For I've cried them all out
In your absence
-
Forgotten
Sits alone
To be friendless and
Empty
-
Broken
Small fragments left over
From a whirl wind of pain
-
Forgotten
No one can remember
Who I am
Or that I exist at all
Last edited by AllyyyAlwayyys on Sun Oct 12, 2008 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before"
-Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade




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I liked this poem, it was full of real emotion and pain, and i think that was what you were trying to do when you wrote it so well done!
I think it needs some work though, i liked how you made certain words in bold to make the stand out to the reader
I think it needs more though, more feeling in the voice i guess. it ddint shout out for my attenion so i think you need to improve that
i loved it anyway - keep up the good work! :D

:D
:D
:D
gracey
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts




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nice!
high five!
no?
ok then (:

liked this one, very nice. A+ 4 u!
perhaps more feeling in the voice (last minute edit: sry, just saw the review above me, sry for repeating that)

-grimy
I have the memory of a goldfish,
The attention span of a squirrel,
But the mind of a WRITER... or a psychopath, one or the other.




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gracey;

Thanks so much :]
On my next poem I'll try and have more feeling my the voice

grimy:

Yes! i got an A+ :]
Haha Its okay for repeating that,
thanks for reading
"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before"
-Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade




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Points 4166
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Good job! Very nice poem. I love the way you established the stanzas. But some spelling errors:

"From a whirl wind of pain"
Whirlwind is one word.

"Or that I exsist at all"
Exist has one s.

"The one I though"
Did you mean 'thought'?

"In your absense"
Unless there's an alternative spelling, absence is spelled with a c and an s.

Other than that, I was awed by your poem. Really good work! :)




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Other than the spelling/grammer issues that someone else already pointed out, I like it in general.

No one can remember

Who I am

Or that I exsist at all


This seems a little simplistic, somehow, and doesn't conjure the same emotions and imagery that the rest of the poem did.

Just that one

The one I though

Would be mine forever


I'd take out the "Just that one" and leave it as the last two lines... feels a little repetitive and if you wanted emphasize something, I'd suggest emphasizing the "Forever" part instead.




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Your poem was stunning. I could almost feel the pain with you. It shows what really goes on inside a girls head. Keep writing and fix the spelling errors that the person above me suggested. But overall. Loved the repetion of broken by the way!
*Ash*




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I love it, because, well, I can relate to it.
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~



I think the best thing about making it into the quote generator is when nobody tells you, so one day you're just scrolling and voila, some phenomenally inane thing that crawled out of your dying synapses and immediately regretted being born the second it made contact with the air has been archived for all time. Or worse, a remark of only average inanity. Never tell me when you've put me in the generator. Pride-tinged regret just doesn't taste the same without the spice of surprise.
— SirenCymbaline