Aching

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 4
One of my rare attempts at poetry. Please review, I would like to improve upon! =]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s odd, this feeling
of disattachment.
To know that you are supposed to care,
but you do not.

Your friends
think they know.
They think they understand,
but they do not.

You wonder
if they will ever
understand the hope,
and the pain it causes.

It’s a disjointed pain.
A pain that’s more of a sore,
more of an ache,
for something that won’t happen.

You know
that when they’ve gained
and lost love as you have
they will understand.
Last edited by crazy_lil_blondie on Thu Aug 21, 2008 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'
- Roy Blount Jr.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3925
Reviews 160
TO be honest, this seems more like prose than poetry..

I did a piece just like this earlier this week, I believe. It's great sounding; and I actually liked it content-wise.

The only thing I can mention is that you might be better off with a tad bit more of punctuation; it won't hurt the piece, and it'll make it easier for grammar-nuts to read.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 4
Thank you! I was wondering, where would I post it if I wanted to post it as prose, then? That's the main reason I posted it in poems. I wasn't sure where it would fit in prose. And I will get on the grammar thing. I kind of like the disjointed grammar, but I can certainly see some places I can improve. =]
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'
- Roy Blount Jr.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 12
The think is....it is true. It is so true. You added in the fact that no one can understand. It's true I am going through the worst tme missing my bf right now
-SaraRose



not to be woke but i just can't go around eating houses
— chi