Fall

Fall



The Fall is the wind that blows through the leafs.
The Fall is light orange and there is pumpkins that I see.
I guess there is room in the Fall for you and me.

Hey Lulu (if I may call you that)!

First, I wanna say welcome! I see you are a Novice. I hope you're following the 2:1 ratio. You know, the ratio that says for every 2 reviews you give, you get to post one piece.

Well, did ya know?

Any who, I'm Livinginfantasy (obviously) and it looks like I'll be the first to review this poem.

Now, I'm going to be completely honest...

I did not like this at all. It's one of those I Am poems. I feel as though someone gave the skeleton of this piece (for example, the first line begins with 'The Fall is'... the last line begins with 'I guess'...) and all you had to do was fill in the blank. Is this true? Because this is very similar to your other poem, 'Yellow'. It's structured exactly the same way, only with one extra line. I ask that you please refrain from those. Take a look around the site; beautiful poetry comes from the heart, not an outline.

Also, that last line didn't make any sense. To me at least. I don't see why you would choose something like that to end a poem. It leaves me questioning... but not in a good way.

So, will I be seeing more of you? I gave you the best advice I could offer. I hope I wasn't horrible.

Hope you're having fun at YWS!

First off, let me say that I can tell you are creative and a good writer from reading that.


However, I don't think that poem worked for you and came out right. Part of being a writer is writing a lot of work, and knowing that not all of it is going to very good. Especially with poetry. For me personally, I tend to always knock off the first stanza of my poems because they always stink becuase I have to get in the mood.

What I am saying is writing stuff like that is good for you as a writer and you should keep on doing it, but it is not great as an individual piece of work.



I would take the same concept of that poem and simply re-write it until it cmaes out right.

Well thank you for saying I'm a good writer. But that was a quick poem I did write it by heart but It was supposed to be small I call small poems quick poems but thanks anyway!!!






-Lulu

Hey Lulu! Welcome to YWS.

You might be better off not posting your poem in this centered format...it's frankly kind of childish, and might drive potential reviewers away.

Before I even begin to comment on content, I want to point out that you must take grammar very seriously. You are 13, so I understand that you're still learning, but some of these mistakes are atrocious! Grammar violations like these make people think that you don't care too much about your work:

The Fall is the wind that blows through the leafs.
The Fall is light orange and there is pumpkins that I see.
I guess there is room in the Fall for you and me.

If you can't figure out what's wrong with the sections I bolded, please ask someone for help with improving your grammar.

I agree with Livingfantasy about the content...the poem is cute, but that's as far as it goes. You should want your poetry to extend beyond what's on the page. This looks more like an exercise in describing seasons...something that you, I'm sure, are above in terms of mental capacity. Little kids can describe the seasons with a "fill-in-the-blank" poem. You have a decent start, describing what the season means to you. But we as readers want to see it go farther than that. Why should we care? What should make us think about this poem? What should make us walk away saying, "Huh, I never thought about it like that"?
You might also work on describing fall in a way that's a little less...Hallmark-y. Yeah, we know, leaves and pumpkins, blah blah blah. We've seen it. It's boring to us. What about your idea of fall is unique to you? We'd like to hear it!

-Colleen

fine then
I'm really sad but I need to ask a question how do I get rid of it?

Lulu|Luck wrote:fine then
I'm really sad but I need to ask a question how do I get rid of it?

Do you want to get rid of the centering, or the poem?

If it is the poem, why should you want to get rid of it? You posted it here for criticism...sometimes the members of YWS can come off a little harsh, but deep down, we're good people who really just want to help. The poem has potential; please don't toss it or get discouraged!

If you do want to delete the poem, just ask a moderator to delete the topic for you. If you want to delete the centering...well, I'm not sure how you did it. If you copy-pasted from a Word document where it was centered, it might have saved the formatting from that document...you could try deleting the text you have and replacing it with regular text from a document. To do this, click the 'edit' button near the top of the post.

-Colleen
P.S. Any questions or concerns, please PM me or one of the other JMs or moderators!!