We Were Once Strangers

I may be sending this to "The Spectator" magazine (it's a leading current affairs magazine that includes poems submitted by various people), along with "Fragments" (see my portfolio). Thus, I would appreciate as many reviews as possible, as I will take this down pretty soon!

Thanks in advance.

--

We Were Once Strangers

For James.

We were once strangers,
souls set on a collision course
in the maelstrom of life,
thrown together by chance,
choice or consequence.

We were once players
in the game of life,
tossing dice and drifting along
blank squares.
Life dealt us a chance card:
a chance to get to know someone;
touch hearts, change minds.

It seems strange to think about
how we are now aeons away
from that impromptu collision.
So the next time I see you,
laugh or joke with you,
I'll remember - I hope you do too -
of how we were once both
Strangers.

It would be a pleasure to review your poem Gahks. This was ruddy beautiful. Really, it- to use a well-worn expression 'took me off guard'. So understated, so heartfelt and so applicable to the reader. I'm sure everyone's had this moment when they stop to look around and realize that they might have gone a whole lifetime without ever knowing the one they loved exsisted, and it's fate they should thank for such a gift. Im sorry I can't really even bring my usual nit-picking self to find any fault with it, but the boards open for others to do so of course. I loved it.

I hope you do well in sending this out.

Oh, and P.S

Who's James?

Eimear xx

I'm not sure what kind of competition you'll have, but this might make several cuts. It was a fairly strong poem, but was weighed down by the first stanza, which is significantly weaker than the other two.

"We were once strangers,

souls set on a collision course
"Collision course" isn't a terrible choice, but try something different, this fits better in the later part of the poem, where you've put another mention. I'd say something a little more elegant sounding.

in the maelstrom of life,
Poor connection, it take little creativity to call life a maelstrom. Worst line in the poem, by far- it lacks originality.

thrown together by chance,
This line seems redundant of the second, but I'd rather you changed the second, this can stay.

choice, or consequence."

***

We were once players
in the game of life,
tossing dice and drifting along
blank squares.
Life dealt us a chance card: -> Repetition of line four. Make this "wild card", or something along these lines.
a chance to get to know someone;
touch hearts, change minds.

It seems strange to think about
how we are now aeons away
from that impromptu collision.
[s]So[/s] the next time I see you,
laugh or joke with you,
I'll remember - I hope you do too -
of how we were once both
Strangers. Good!

I like your poem especially these lines,

--------------------------
We were once strangers,

souls set on a collision course

in the maelstrom of life,

thrown together by chance,

choice or consequence.


We were once players

in the game of life,

tossing dice and drifting along

blank squares.

Life dealt us a chance card:

a chance to get to know someone;

touch hearts, change minds.

-------------------------

It depicted two people who were destined by fate to meet together and indeed they met each other but under certain circumstances, they were broken apart and forced again to be strangers to each other. I remembered my ex-gf when I read your poem because it almost depicted word for word our last encounter with each other. We're now strangers again to each other. Anyway back to your poem, it's really good mate and good luck to the Spectator magazine thing.

P.S
Just curious, who is James?

Wow, I really enjoyed this, Gahks. An original idea, made me think, I love poems that do that.

We were once strangers,
souls set on a collision course
in the maelstrom of life,
thrown together by chance,
choice or consequence.

The first line really caught my eye. "Colllision course" may be trite? I am not sure. I liked the word "maelstrom" though. "Consequence" has a nice partial rhyme to "chance" (I think?) At least consonance rhyme.

We were once players
in the game of life,
tossing dice and drifting along
blank squares.
Life dealt us a chance card:
a chance to get to know someone;
touch hearts, change minds.

My favorite stanza here, I love the "game" metaphor, and the application in the last two lines. Good imagery in the 3rd and 4th lines as well (tossing dice, blank squares).

So the next time I see you,
laugh or joke with you,
I'll remember - I hope you do too -
of how we were once both
Strangers.

Beautiful ending - I love the emphasis on the last word: Strangers. Final, resolute.

Good luck with the magazine!

"in the maelstrom of life" I adore this line,
the whole poem is great though


"Life dealt us a chance card:

a chance to get to know someone;

touch hearts, change minds."


this parts really good too it kept my attention.
But this is my favorite,


"It seems strange to think about

how we are now aeons away

from that impromptu collision."


Me and my best friend are over a thousand miles away from each other, so this part got me.

i enjoyed your poem very much. i feel as though, it would an exceptional piece if you were to just trim it down.
my ex.:

We were once players

in the game of life,

tossing dice and drifting along

then Life dealt us a chance card:

a chance to get to know someone;

touch a heart, change your mind.

strange to think about

how we are now aeons away

the next time I see you,

laugh with you

i'll remeber; i hope you do

we were once strangers

....i find that i was reading this as though it were a song. the lines may sound very simple, but they just fit so well. i envy the sort of writing that comes out clean, as if it were one effortless thought. i feel as though you accomplished that here, with out sounding cliche.

The only thing that I saw wrong was aeons which I think you mean eons. Maybe?

Very nice poem! Please continue writing!