The Lord's Farce

Utopian dream,
Idealist scheme.
Built on bloody ground,
Nothing is sound.
Angels gaze at the blind
behind.
Waving palm fronds,
The shadow responds.

Our Father, who art in [money].
[Hollowed] be Thy name.
Thy kingdom [extorted].
Thy will be [distorted].
On Earth as it is [on Wall Street].
Give us this day our daily [feast].
And forgive us our [inordinate] debts, as we [pretend to] forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation [often].
But deliver us from [the IRS].
For [we are] the kingdom, and the power, and the glory,
For [so long as it suits us].
Amen.

Holier than thou
Has never meant less than it does now.

I like this. It's so...sarcastic and humorous and yet serious. I think that you could have added a little more of yourself in this though. The message seems like it should have gone just a bit further, as far as your own poetic lines are concerned. The part that was included in the Lords Prayer was effective, but I liked your lines better.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I agree with Rieda that you could have had more by way of your lines. They were so serious and somber, while the Lord's Prayer was a little more sarcastic and fun-poking. Not light, but just a little more frivolous.

But overall, I really liked this. It struck a very deep chord. It is so true and you wrote it so well.

Not quite sure what else to say. I am blown away. Excellent job there...

~GryphonFledgling

Very clever! I agree with the above -- you could stand to add a few more of your own lines, I think. But I really like what you have here. I love how you modify the Lord's Prayer -- unfortunately, this is what a lot of society has become. And the love of money is the root of all evil, no? According to the Bible, at least.

One tiny nitpick -- I think "blood stained" in the first stanza should be hyphenated: "blood-stained." That line is a little wordy, unless you read the stanza slowly and give the first two lines essentially three beats.

But yeah, overall, I thought this was good.

It's interesting. I'm not entirely sure how much I like it because of my own personal views on things, you know? But objectively, it is very creative. Like everyone else, though, I think it is lacking. This is most of your witty additions, and a few words which, sadly, don't live up to the actual additions in the prayer. "Holier than thou" is a cliché, so to speak, though an apt one.

I think if you could present the idea in a way that used more of your words--if not all of your own words--it would be much better. Anyone can add words to something already said, right? But to say it entirely with your own, that is art.

Best of luck!

Ah, an interesting idea. You might be interested to note that it has been done several times in the past, though obviously not quite with your words! One of the most famous is the Bus Driver's Prayer, but there are others, most notable one by a young author (whose name I have lamentably forgotten) addressing an Earthly father in an office block. This is not to take away from your poem, but just to let you know that it's not the first time it's been done.

In and of itself, I rather like this - it's clever, it's biting, and it says what needs to be said. I think the two bracketing stanzas are a bit clumsy, however: they just sound slightly petulant instead of the honest anger I think you're trying to get across. In all honesty, I'm not sure if you need them at all - it would be much more beneficial for the flow and thrust of them poem if you put your own comments directly into the Lord's Prayer, built the two around each other rather than having them so divided.

It's clever, but I think it's a bit slight at the moment. I'd like to see you add more of yourself to it, whether that be more biting sarcasm or an evening-out effect, almost an in-poem dialogue with yourself. It just needs building up, I guess is all good luck with it!

Wow, I'm pleasantly surprised by the amount of comment this has gotten in the short amount of time. Thanks to everyone who commented. I'll look at your suggestions and get right to editing it.

backgroundbob: Thanks for the hyperlink. Don't worry, I knew I wasn't the first (nor the last) writer to take this route. Hopefully it turns out memorable when my interpretation is cleaned up a bit.

I'm off to do poetry spring cleaning.

Excellent job here. I can definitely get a sense of where you're coming from (I'm assuming you're not a fan of the commercialization of religion, either, eh?). Just a couple of things I noticed:

xhalcyonx128 wrote:Utopian dream
Idealist scheme
Built on bloody ground
Nothing is sound
Angels gaze
At the blind behind
Waving palm fronds
The shadow responds

Everything rhymes here except for the bolded lines. Also, there's no punctuation at all in this stanza, which makes it really hard to read. I'd suggest formatting it like this:

"Utopian dream,
Idealist scheme,
Built on bloody ground;
Nothing is sound.
Angels gaze at the blind
Behind
Waving palm fronds.
The shadow responds:"

Our Father, who art in [money].
[Hollowed] be Thy name.
Thy kingdom [extorted].
Thy will be [distorted].
On Earth as it is [on Wall Street].
Give us this day our daily [feast].
And forgive us our [inordinate] debts, as we [pretend to] forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation [often].
But deliver us from [the IRS].
For [we are] the kingdom, and the power, and the glory,
For [so long as it suits us].
Amen.

This, by far, has to be my favorite part of the poem. If you simply had this, I'd still be a huge fan of it. My quick correction is bolded.

Holier than thou
Has never meant less than it does now.

And a pithy statement to sum up the whole thing.

Again, absolutely a fan of this poem! Other than those couple of things I pointed out, I can't think of anything I would fix. I also can't think of any words to describe how much I love this poem, for some reason.

Keep writing! You've definitely got something going for you.