Lyric Poetry

Contradicted Emotions

I admit it!
Daddy didn't love me enough,
Mommy never showed any care.
Instead of looking to boys for Love,
I look for pain.
I'm already used to being hurt.
The prospect of finding some one who loves me,
scraes me.
I've been hurt by my mother,
Father,
Father figures,
Cousins,
Aunts,
Uncles,
and best freinds.
I guess now i want to know,
I want to know what it feels like to
be thorne open by a boy.
Whats it like
to have your heart ripped out.
To be killed over and over.
I do believe I've sank
to a new low of sadistic feelings,
But with this comes better understanding,
easier acceptance of who I am.
I'm strong!!
but yet I'm weak.
I don't think I'll ever find one to control me.
One that can love me for me and
not what they want me to be.
Maybe one day I'll learn to love me for me.
I'll learn to let go of the past, forget about the present
and look to the future.
Look to the happiness that awaits.
To the happiness I deserve.
To the happiness I've earn.
And even if it never comes,
at least I'll finally know me.
And I'll finally love me for me.

I thought it was a very touching poem, it hit me hard with emotion.

Might want to check on the spelling i wasn't sure what you are trying to say in this??

be thorne open by a boy.

May earned??

To the happiness I've earn.

Other then that i thought it was interesting...i didn't find anything else...

My problem with this poem is that I finish it saying "so what? Good for the narrator, I guess". It doesn't say anything new about the subject. It's a long list of things that have happened to the narrator But! it seems she overcame them at the end to be happy. Yes, that's fine, but how did she get there? Lines like "and even if it never comes" mean nothing without ideas to back them up. Because a lot of things have happened to the narrator, but what has she taken away from them other than the cliches from the lines of "to have your heart ripped out" and "I am strong!!/ but yet I'm weak"?

What are you really trying to say?

This isn't poetry. I'm not saying it couldn't be, but at the moment it's not. So it needs redrafting (and a lot of it).
Where's your rhythm? It's just a lot of rambling for the most part. Take out all the linebreaks and look at your piece like that. If a poem's got no linebreaks, you should still be able to tell it's a poem. There's the rhythm, the concentrated, heightened language.
A few things that need to be fiddled with:

I admit it!

Never use exclamation marks especially in a defensive tone. If your words can't express what the exclamation mark does, then you're not doing your job as a writer. Also, as a first line this is way too defensive and is a surefire way for the reader to react negatively to your poem from the word go.

I'm strong!!

Again, no exclamations.

I do believe I've sank
to a new low of sadistic feelings,
But with this comes better understanding,
easier acceptance of who I am.

This is just one instance where you sink to using cliches and overdramatic words. "Sadistic", "understanding", "acceptance" - they're words that belong in an essay, but not a poem. Be detailed. Don't label your emotions. Let us feel that this experience is unique to you.
A final suggestion would be to break up your piece into stanzas which might help it to flow better. Good luck with your many drafts to come!

I thought that it was amazing!! I would have liked to see a little less vaugeness, but still really amazing and very emotional. I love it.

I thought this poem was very..interesting...
It speaks to me but yet i can't answer...
I'm not sure how to explain this feeling..
But overall I rather enjoyed it!

*keep rockin'*

-Meg