Last Place

I thought this was great. My friend, Jomel, wrote this in 15 minutes. He asked me to put it on the internet, so I did. I hope you will like it like I did.



Poison like New Edition or as if you swallowed arsenic
Complex like The Matrix yet all she speaks is garbage
Hypnosis manipulate you emotionally and mentally
Take your heart away so you can do things physically
So like piano songs I must give out a medley
Of the same spice in your life that's sexy but deadly
They like sex more than guys and lie; they like it like an ounce of crack
They're torn from the inside out then bounce back
Hair is like a snake the same snake that she takes rock
In her holes like the effects of gunshots
In her mind there's a resident
A history lesson about how much she likes presidents
Heart doesn't exist its shaped like a computer
Programmed so-called feelings we break down the medulla
So she gives out medulla only to receive checks
All she wants is her ocean to see a Lock-Ness
Nice guys finish last bad guys finish first
And the guy that finished first gets the condoms out her purse
Nice guys go through a girl shredder
Get depressed, suicide, and come back better than ever
Become heartless, darkness, cold like the breeze
So girls polish fingernails with antifreeze
But they don't know its too late all the talking has to hurry up
She's the same effects of gunshots I mentioned earlier
Now they're watching me, the new bad guy, tracking it
Only to be hurt like bungee jumping accidents
So when i leave you behind me like the past
You should have caught me when I finished last

Whoa, no one will be encouraged to read if ya have it like a big block of text. Split it into stanza also punctuation. This will encourage more to read anyway I glanced at it souds interesting do these things look at it better.

It reads like spoken word. Some creative line breaks would help to emphasize the important parts and make it easier to read for those that aren't used to the kind of rhythm and flow here.

i like it. its like if Panic! at the Disco did a rap song. its cool.

Wow, you seem to be posting a lot of stories lately. You really should do some more reviewing (even though your post-review ratio is better than mine) I agree with Vernon. Your poem is a bit daunting written as a large block of text. Split it into stanzas and you might get some more reviews. And also, add some punctuation. But enough about that, on to the the actual review.

Okay, I think the poem might be a bit better if you had it rhyme. The flow would be a bit better. The concept was good, but not that deep. Other than those, the poem was pretty good.

-Kyle

If I had wrote this I would had revised it. But, I'll tell him what he needs to work on. Thanks for reading!