Atrophy For Lovers, Amorphy For Others

Atrophy For Lovers, Amorphy For Others.

Steal my breath at gunpoint,
CO2 for your finger-knit sack.

Pawn it off, pull it out
in lungfulls; (oxidized and in your eyes)
this breath's air is hardly fresh,
and there's no getaway car in sight.

Strip me down.

You spray paint my lips
(that "choking smile"-of-a-yellow)
and suddenly these plump skin-folds
can't be traced

-laced with you;
madeout in sandpaper and peeling paint,
I taste this silhouette,
sponge tongue on ripped lips
to find the salt in the shadow,
that salivating sweaty shade of truth.

I headbutt a bullet and this dream comes true.

This sounds really great in my head. Particularly the last stanza - great imagery, sounds wonderful. The last line, as well. Sorry this comment isn't overly helpful But good job.

This is an...interesting story. I'm not quite sure what all you're trying to convey...Maybe I'm missing something, but this confuses me. I *think* I like it, but you're going to have to explain it better for me to be sure.

A great rhythm (sp?) here, whence, an easy-to-read cadence that pulls the reader along at a steady pace (not too fast, not too slow). Great imagery in the word-choices, even if I am still a bit fuzzy on the "story" (I always seem to be in contemporary poetry, though, so that may be just me). I really enjoy your slightly disfunctional grammar. A smooth read overall, darling, and an enjoyable one.

Ed, you're BACK! Well, "back?" according to your custom title. Do remove the question mark one of these days.

As always with your poetry, it sounds amazing and means very little to me. It's OK to have a vague plot or no plot at all in poetry, but from "You spray paint my lips" on, it's very abstract. Like, "I taste this silhouette,/sponge tongue on ripped lips"...really, what does that even mean? It's awfully difficult to visualize, and I don't see the connection between the two lines.
You have a talent for creating images, but they don't have any context. It's a bunch of rapid-fire phrases that show incredible ability to work with sound and metaphor, but what exactly they're alluding to is a mystery to me. The tone is very well done...I just wish I could put it all in context.

Last line = fantastic, by the way. It's so much more meaningful because the speaker, not the bullet, is the one doing the action. I question the use of "headbutt" there because it's not a very strong verb...I like the connotation of the word in contrast with the implied action, but it still feels out-of-place in a way.

Like Gyr, I enjoyed the carefree approach to grammar and structure.

Welcome back[s]?[/s]!
-Colleen

In the second stanza, I'm not sure if "pawn it off" works since what follows talks about how breath is being extracted. Almost like the action has been inverted.

In the fourth stanza, "plump skin-folds" sounds strange to me. Like "plump" is too round of a word for the jagged choking smile and skin-folds in what's around it.

In the fifth stanza, the "madeout in sandpaper..." is confusing because there isn't a noun for a subject. What madeout in the sandpaper? Or is it supposed to refer to the "I" in the following line? It's unclear because the 'sentence' keeps going with commas (not to go all grammar-crackdown, or anything XD).

"Salt in the shadow"? I dunno 'bout that one. Why would salt be in a shadow?

Last line? Lovliness ^_^ Especially in repetition of sounds (as is the case elsewhere, and it's equally nice).

Interesting title. I can't quite figure it out. Atrophy For Lovers yes, I think that works well. Amorphy For Others, I don't know. It doesn't seem like something that would be so unstructured to the outside world. The title sounds cool, but juxtaposed, I don't know if it really holds.

welcome back, by the way
-Amelia

I love it. This is a great poem and a very smart title.
It confused me at first, but I like the way the whole thing is linked together, so that the reader has to read it over twice to fully understand it. I don't know if that was your intention, but it works great.
My only recommendation is maybe an authors note or something at the bottom to briefly explain what's going on, rather than the reader having to struggle around it.
Keep up the good work. Kudos.

Okay: Loved the description and title (beautiful) especially in the last, um, stanza? paragraph? Well, anyway, a tad confuzzling but heart, heart, heart!