My First Poem

This is just a little something I wrote for a girl I'm currently seeing. I thought it'd be a nice thing to do. I just want some opinions on it before I actually read it to her.


Your eyes are like precious gems, glowing with the light of the clearest of halos,
Your smile is as bright as the full moon in the midnight sky,
Your hair is as fine as silk, weaved by the careful hands of nature,
Your lips are as soft as the snow on a late Christmas night,
You make me feel in a way that no woman before you has,
For you are beauty eternal, in body, mind and soul.

Awww. That's nice. I liked it. The only thing I think you should change is that you should put a period at the end of each line, not a comma. That'll work better.

The content was good. I loved it! Great job!


BBB

I'm sure the girl you're reading this to will appreciate it, but it doesn't have many poetic elements within it. It seems like the kind of typical thing that a guy will say in a poem to a girl he likes, but all in all, I find the words to be rather empty, and so far away from any true meaning. Personally, I'd say drop the nature/heavenly imagery, and pick one element to center the poem around.

Your eyes are like precious gems, glowing with the light of the clearest of halos,
Your smile is as bright as the full moon in the midnight sky,
Your hair is as fine as silk, weaved by the careful hands of nature,
Your lips are as soft as the snow on a late Christmas night,
You make me feel in a way that no woman before you has,
For you are beauty eternal, in body, mind and soul.


alittle corney for me, however i liked your imagination, your comparisons with her and nature were very unique.

7/10

It seemed like lines from a book.
Overall, I liked it very much though.
Maybe poems are not your style and that's okay.
But this line would really captivate me in a book.
I'd want to read it over and over.
I enjoyed this very much 10/10 points for creativity and flow.
I would want to read this out loud. If I was you, I'd consider writing a novel. Historic or romantic adventure I think these lines would really fit in!
You're amazing!

If I were that girl, I think I would fall for that poem because it rocks in a sweet way!

I think this is a very good poem for a girl as it is sweet
However it is a bit cliched if you ask me as it uses the comparisons with her body/personality
You should focus it more around the final two lines as that is more deep and probably more effective

You make me feel in a way that no woman before you has,
For you are beauty eternal, in body, mind and soul.

Or...

You could use more effective imagery than the pretty decent imagery you already have in place

Very good poem though and I hope my comments help you

Dynamo wrote:This is just a little something I wrote for a girl I'm currently seeing. I thought it'd be a nice thing to do. I just want some opinions on it before I actually read it to her.


Your eyes are like precious gems, glowing with the light of the clearest of halos,
Your smile is as bright as the full moon in the midnight sky,
Your hair is as fine as silk, weaved by the careful hands of nature,
Your lips are as soft as the snow on a late Christmas night,
You make me feel in a way that no woman before you has,
For you are beauty eternal, in body, mind and soul.

This is really good. I like the rhythm in thia, I also like the rhyming. The second line is a little off key though. Try to shorten it up a bit. It doesn't fit right in with the rest of it. Other than that, very good. Keep up the good work.

-Rick.

Well personally, I thought it was a bit cliched. The imagery was fantastic though, and the rhythm was also great, but the words and poem seemed rather empty to me. Maybe personalize it more show that this poem is meant for her. It could be that you printed this poem out from the net and handed it to her.
It probably isn't, I know and you probably wrote this with earnest, still it lacks originality.

I like your style and I understand that this is your first poem. You'll learn more about poetry as you write on.

-Keep writing!

i agree with Leja, i think that the poem is sweet, and the girl you plan to read it to or have already read it to, will appreciate it- but it think that the words are empty.

i think the imagery you have used is great.

To make the words less 'empty' i think you should try and add more of how she makes you feel, as you have done so in the last few lines.

hope i helped =) x

It was sweet and i'm sure your girlfriend will love it! I loved the flow of the words. Your similes are wonderful. If my boyfriend read me that poem i would jump with excitment! It will make her feel like the prettiest girl in the world. Great job!

Dynamo wrote:This is just a little something I wrote for a girl I'm currently seeing. I thought it'd be a nice thing to do. I just want some opinions on it before I actually read it to her.


Your eyes are like precious gems, glowing with the light of the clearest of halos,
Your smile is as bright as the full moon in the midnight sky,
Your hair is as fine as silk, weaved by the careful hands of nature,
Your lips are as soft as the snow on a late Christmas night,
You make me feel in a way that no woman before you has,
For you are beauty eternal, in body, mind and soul.

As a wooing poem it works. But other than that. This has nothing else to stand on. It's rather empty and trust me love poems don't need to focus on cliches. Last one I wrote focused on Elizabeth life and how much she's been through. I can't stand the repition of 'your' My suggestion is make this four or two stanzas. And in each one explain to us. Hit our heart. Make us feel what ya feel. Don't just say stuff and expect us to feel it. Also cliche much? Don't let us feel that the love you feel for her is as cliche as Valentine's day or hearts. Instead give us original and unique imagery. Poetry comes from the soul and so does love. They both centre round the heart.

Overall: It could be so much better it's perfect for a wooing poem, but work on it. And maybe read [ulr=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/writing_tips.php]this[/url] Or other poems. It's not easy, but as long as ya've got the desire ya can succeed.

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