Affection

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Affection is the soft slow strum

Of a piano, played by a passionate lover.

Each key, each note, chosen carefully

To create the image of love; tenderness.

From the strings, that lay like organs

In the chest of the piano,

Emanates a sound, carrying with it

A love-scent, which enters every one of your atoms,

And injects them with the feeling of

Your lovers skin, and tricks your eyes into

Seeing yourself left with your one and only.

You hear the wind blowing, as if it were doing so

Just for the two of you.

The taste of love, sweet on your tongue.

You then hear the note begin to fade,

For nothing lasts forever. The long in your soul

Begins to ache, but then the scale comes to

mind. You feel all eight notes,

The number turns, and infinity seems plausible.
Last edited by lost_in_the_spill_canvas on Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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You'd be pretty suprised...

MLAH!!




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Aw Man Jared, I really liked this.

I really wish I had more time to review it for you but I need to go to bed. But I still wanted to say that it's really good. Especially for your first one up here. ^_^

Keep up the good work!

Love,
Lindsay
"After it happened I thought that I'd just try to live as normally as possible and bury it, but things like that don't stay buried. I didn't think it would, but it taints your whole life."

"My desires were bestial, obviously." -Jeffery Dahmer.




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Very romantic. Makes me want to fall in love with a pianist.

I loved your poem, the style is smooth and there is a lovely music in the words.

You have created a very mushy, beautiful atmosphere in your poem which enchants me.

Only one typeing error:

Your lovers skin, and tricks your eyes into


You missed the apostrophe in the 2nd word ("lover's")

But, the title is a little turn-off ()or maybe it's just me)
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Very nice, very beautiful. Well, I've got no constructive criticism, but I liked it!
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First of all, the spaces between lines aren't really necessary; they make it a bit difficult to read, actually.

Each key, each note, chosen carefully

To create the image of love; tenderness.


^ eh, you're kind of moving from sounds to visuals here, and I don't know if the comparison holds. I see how you expand this in the lines following, but it seems like the line itself is unnecessary, like giving a summary and then telling the story when you could've just jumped right in to the story.

You hear the wind blowing, as if it were doing so

Just for the two of you.


These lines seem random in both their placement and what they have to say.

You then hear the note begin to fade,

For nothing lasts forever.


The first line is alright, but I think could be a little more evocative. The second line does nothing but state the obvious.

The long in your soul

Begins to ache, but then the scale comes to


The long... what?

The number turns, and infinity seems plausible.


I see what you mean about the number, after a minute. It's a lovely image, in fact. It seems a tad oddly worded though, since you're talking about notes, and then talking about a number, whereas the first half of the sentence/phrase is about a musical note, the second half is about a number, and I didn't make the connection right away. I don't know if that was just me being... me, or if it's odd logic to think about.

Like the format, the content of the poem seems a tad spread out. I think it could be generally condensed, everything as carefully, purposely said as possible.

PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia




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This is a really lovely piece. I agree with Amelia about the spacing.

I love the alliteration of the first line, it sounds really melodic, which is appropriate for the piece. Though, that said, I'm not sure that "strum" is quite right. How many people strum a piano? Maybe "sound"?

I also like the alliteration of the second line. I think I'd change the third to:
"Each note carefully chosen", as I think by reversing the syntax of the last two words, the line flows better. I don't think "each key" is neccessary, as you'd tend to chose the notes rather than the keys, and you've already mentioned the notes.

My favourite part was:"From the strings that lay like organs
In the chest of the piano."
It was really fresh, and the use of the word "organs" made me smile.

I'm not sure about "love-scent." I think it's too vague to make me feel anything signifigant.

I'd also change "your one and only" as it's a little cliche. I'd also rework lines twelve to fourteen, as they're a bit weaker than some of the lovely lines which you have here. If you'd like to keep the bit about the taste, maybe try to find a word other than "sweet." Can the love taste like anything else?

The ending was really wonderful. It was a great conclusion to the piece. I won't repeat what has been said of it save to say that it was lovely.

Hope this helps!
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With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
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While I had some small problems with the flow of this I think it may be attributed (as Amelia mentioned) to the spaces inbetween the lines. However that was my main problem.

Other then that I loved this, I adored the imagery and I thought your wording and description was lovely. I do, however, agree with the title, perhaps something like "To Play" or something that indicated the music element? (just suggestions ^.^)


Once again, I quite like this, it is both quirky and heartfelt, and was able to keep my attention: well done ^.^


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wow really good, i love the way u combined the piano with love, because thats the feeling tat i get when i hear a passionate pianest play, also the way that love relating to music




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wow really good, i love the way u combined the piano with love, because thats the feeling tat i get when i hear a passionate pianest play, also the way that love relating to music




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Sounds like you have great experience in matters of love. I love it. Help me out in that area sometime man. haha.



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