Spiritually Inept

Apart of me
Worries

I lie upside down
My head in the lake
The waterfall above me
Thundering

My head submerged with
Tainted bubbles surfacing
I breathe no more

Will you find me?
I’m lost in the river and
I sing along with her as she
Goes by and by
Past the rocks and the fish
As the world stands still

Apart of me
Loves

Your words touch me
As we lay on the banks
The beaches sand, smooth
Too pure for me

Your hands, wrapped around
My neck, dragging me under

It is peaceful down here
And I know you will come back to me
You will come and find me
You love me, drowning in the river

You love my eyes
They are brown like the ground
Which you cover me in
After you don't come for me



---
Bit morbid, but I for one think this is pretty damn beautiful. I gave myself wonderful imagery, so if you don't see it, then it's YOUR fault.
Meh, writers block sucks.

That good tis morbid , but wonderful imaiginarry i love you so much. Erm it sounds more like a song truth be told good poem darling.

First of all, it's never the readers fault if they don't get something out of a poem.It's the writers job to make their work mean something to people.

Second, I like the poem though it is morbid. There were a few things I found:

Apart of me

Is this supposed to be "apart", or did you mean "a part"? I think that was probably a typo.

You love my eyes
They are brown like the dirt
Which you cover me in
After you don't come for me

The eyes line seems a little random, since you seem to have been describing water up till this point, and using the word "dirt" takes away from the lyrical quality. Dirt isn't a very pretty word. You might want to use something different, like "earth".

And I think it flows well even though its depressing. Yeah it would be great song lyrics but as a poem it stands in its free right. It made sense, it meant something to the readers.
Well done, Lexy xxx

I like this... the only thing, as was already mentioned, is your use of "apart", which i'm assuming you meant "a part". The fourth stanza (Will you find me?/I'm lost in the river...) was awesome, great work, I really enjoyed reading this.

Elizabeth,


Here's the effect: You have failed to communicate an idea.

Here are the causes:

(1) this is too wordy and repetitious for meaning to be clasped and taken home;

(2) this is confined by capitalizing Every Word at the beginning of a new line, which while alleviating you of the duty to determine what should be capitalized and in what pattern to do so, left me wondering if you yourself knew what was important when you concieved this;

(3) this does not build momentum to a climactic peak, but instead relegates itself to a steady decline in beauty and thought.

The perscription: take 500mg of e.e. cummings (his sonnets, not his experimental poetry), rewrite, and revise.

You have something which is worth saving, if you can figure out what to do.


Take care,
Brad

Gotcha:

1) Cut the wordplay
2) Cut off the capitalization and actually make sense
3) Cut the crap, all in all

START TAKING POETRY STERIODS


Goals in life:
1) INTEREST BRAD!
2) Become a super model *Crosses out*

Will work on it... when I'm awake... unless I can write better in my dead phase...

I don't agree with the above comment that it's the writer's job entirely when creating effective work. Personally, I think good literature is not the writer dumping his or her thoughts into a reader's mind. Spoon-fed literature, in other words, is never effective. What one puts into what one reads is what one will, therefore, get out of it.

And, I don't necessarily agree that you failed to communicate an idea. I think the poem is interesting, and has feeling to it.

While there is a level of morbidity, I also think there's some silly images that you might want to rethink, in order to give what I think is a rather good poem a little more maturity. The idea of someone lying upside down just sounds funny to me. Maybe lying on their back, lying with their head down in the water, or something. But lying upside down . . . what does that even mean? You can lie on your back, your stomach, your side . . . One could hang upside down, I suppose.

Also, using words like "bubbles" undercuts the seriousness of the mood. And in the line, "Goes by and by," I think losing the "and by" would streamline the poem. Get rid of the unnecessary diction, I'd suggest.

And do you mean 'Apart of me' or "A part of me'? Because it seems like "A part of me." Just wondering, lol. or, if you like the ambiguity of both meanings, you might want to render it "A-part of me."

Anyway, all in all, I did really like the poem, despite any rough edges it might have. I like what you're doing here.

Oh my goodness this is wonderful! I love your imagery and I understand it...which says something haha. Beautiful, by the way.