Bubblejuice

Unspoken words, a thousand to think of,
each chinks of ice thinning my blood;
Steel souls form diadems,
flavored saccharine.
But as useless as the space between our heartbeats,
I thrust butterflies in air thick with cyanide.
Each sinking wing
bubbles into whispers,
each wistful wish
dead before the ground –
shattered silver linings are bullets of rain.
Love isn’t weightless,
my failure is countless:
one-winged and down on my knees

I’ll love you forever

If only I had stopped looking skyward for you,
in all this acid rain…

Bubblejuice? That just sounds plain dirty. Good word choice, although some are unnecessary.

xanthan gum wrote:Unspoken words, a thousand to think of,
each chinks of ice thinning my blood;

Replace ze semi-colon with ze period.

xanthan gum wrote:Steel souls form diadems,
flavored saccharine.

Are the crowns sweet, or are the souls. Either don't really make any sense.

xanthan gum wrote:Each sinking wing
bubbles into whispers,

Bubbles? I see this is being incorporated into the title, but bubbling into whispers? But I guess you could mean that the sinking wings slowly turn into something of no importance.

xanthan gum wrote:If only I had stopped looking skyward for you,
in all this acid rain…

First, silver linings were bullets of rain, and now there's acid rain (which is pretty cliche)?

Also, you might want to add some stanza spacing after, 'I thrust butterflies in air thick with cyanide', since the next lines' rhythm changes a bit. Other thann that, I enjoyed it, apart from the needless 'big words'.

As usual, your writing is very beautiful. You've got lots od very nice ideas. At the same time, it's so obscure that the meaning behind the words escape me.

I liked it. However I agree with Monkey. Also there is one verse that I thought could be improved upon.

Love isn’t weightless,
my failure is countless:

It appears that these two lines are correlated, but your descriptions of love and failure (i.e. weightless and countless) do not seem as comparable as they could be. Perhaps you could describe failure in a term more associated with your description of love, by that I mean in an expression also related to “weight”.


It's up to you, but maybe re-phrase it in a way describing the impact (weight) of your failures upon you...I dunno. If not, the second line would probably sound better as:

my failures are countless.