The Crimson Flame

The flame that surrounds me
Like the fire in your eye
Burns all around me
In the crimson sky

The pain that hurts me
The hurt that won't stop
So bad it bounds me
Oh gods I'm gonna drop

Drain all my energy
Sucking the life from me
A force I cannot see
She is my enemy

The hate inside me
It grows so badly
The feel runs deep through
The veins inside you

Good job!
The poem has feelings in it.

I know its hard TO find other words that Ryhm with me. But If you want you can always use slant ryhm. Besides the critisim id also like to say its quite well done hats off to you.

I like it! Especially the reference to fire in the beginning -- I always find flames so poetic even outside of words.

I feel like I can compare to the emotions in the poem as well; good job!

Let's take it from the top!

"The flame that surrounds me,
like the fire in your eye"

"Burns all around me [I wouldn't advise using me in this case]
In the crimson sky."

The best thing to do is:
The flame that surrounds me, like the fire in your eye
Is burning all around in the crimson sky.

"The pain that wounds me
The hurt that won't stop" [This was awkward... you said the pain that hurts, then hurt won't stop... so that was weird, I'd take out hurt the first time and replace it]

"So bad it bounds me [Once again, Me repirition. Shouldn't bounds be bind? *Has no idea*]
Oh gods I'm gonna drop" [Oh God, I'm going to drop. I only say drop because I think you want it to rhyme]

Something to consider:
The pain that wounds me is a hurt that won't stop
It's so unbearable, God, I think I'm going to drop

Draining all my energy
Sucking the life from me [Me this, me that, change it! The rhyme scheme here... seems... 1221 more than 1212. Understand? I wouldn't have changed it]

A force I cannot see
She is my enemy [She? Who's she? I see where you're going at but it should be more of an IT than a She.]

What would improve it:
Draining all my life, sucking away my energy
It's a foce I cannot see! It's a force that is my enemy!

The hate inside me
It grows so badly [Wouldn't use It before grows. Just Grows]

The feel runs deep through [Wait, shouldn't feel be feeling?]
The veins inside you [Are we talking about ME or talking about YOU? And this... didn't rhyme... so... what?]



I couldn't really have anything more to halep you improve on for the ending, you'll have to fix that yourself.
Switching from first person to second (I think that's it) was a bit awkward.
I didn't really understand it.

It was a decently plotted poem, but the rhyme and structure had a lot to be desired.
Hope you can fix it up better than I could have.... *whew*

I liked it, but there's no punctuation. I could feel the emotion in it as well. Over all except for the errors i think it was good.

1. It is a song, who needs punctuation?
2. The Black Rose, ("I respectfully disagree with your opinion," is what you should have said. Flaming is not tolerated. -Grif.)