My Labour of Love

This is for The Black Rose


Like Romeo and Juliet,
Theirs is a window of love,
Which has been torn asunder
By hands which cause only
Pain, suffering and depression.

The Stories are similar;
The window in which I see
Her is similar.
A different window for
A different era, in the end
The stories are the same;
Hopefully it won't end with pain.

We are separated by oceans,
But in the oceans are islands
And with land we can build
Bridges to each other heart.


"If I trip on the way, I pick myself up;
if I come to a wall, I climb to the top;
all obstacles I'll surpass,
just to reach your heart."

Oh my God Vernon

Aww.... Vernon This was so sweet....

Yet mellowingly depressing... *sighs*

Now I'm too busy thinking to correct errors *cries* I love you

Yeah, bless.

...

^o)

Anyway: critique. When I first read this, I was a little unsure about how much I liked it, but I think I've fallen over to the good side of the fence. Let's get down to the nitty gritty.

Like Romeo and Juliet,
Theirs a window of love,

I'm thinking you need an "is" after "theirs," not just for grammatical sense, but also for rhythm; in aid of that same, I'd get rid of the comma after "love"

Which has been torn asunder

Just a note for this whole poem, and any future poems you write: you don't need capital letters at the beginning of every line. While you can probably get away with doing it, it looks so much better if you only use them where you've got a full-stop before them. That way, if you ever need to add emphasis to a word, you can use capitals much more effectively.

By hands which only cause
Pain, suffering and depression.

I'd switch the words "cause" and "only" around - helps the rhythm.

The Stories are similar,

Semi-colon at the end of this line, perhaps?

The window, which I see
Her is similar.

You need to drop the comma after "window" and put in an "in" instead. I'm also concerned about the repeat of "similar." it works later on with repeating "window" but I don't think this word is key enough to warrent it. I'd change that second line to "her, familiar."

[/quote]A different window for
A different era, in the end
The stories the same;[/quote]"The stories the same" should really be "The stories are the same", but I don't think that's very good rhythm - my suggestion is to change that line to "the stories match;" which gives you the best flow, I reckon. Good use of semi-colon - keep that one.

[/quote]Hopefully it won't end with pain.[/quote]I don't like this line at all... it's too angsty and nasty - I'm sure you could find a better way of saying the same thing

We are separated by oceans,
But between the oceans are islands

Islands don't lie between oceans, they lie in oceans I would change the second line to "but in them lie islands"

And with land we can build
Bridges to each other heart.

Should be "and land on which to build" and change that "other" to "other's" (I think...)

If I trip on the way I pick myself
Back up.

Doesn't need to be two lines: how about "If I trip on the way, I pick myself up;" with a semi-colon at the end?

If I come to a wall I scale it, all obstacle
I’ll surpass just to reach your heart

You can use a good half-rhyme here: how about these two lines being
"If I come to a wall, I climb to the top;/all obstacles I'll surpass,/just to reach your heart." making the last verse

"If I trip on the way, I pick myself up;
if I come to a wall, I climb to the top;
all obstacles I'll surpass,
just to reach your heart."


Well, those are my suggestions: despite the large number of them, I reckon you did a pretty top job on this poem. W0rd up, Font

Just checking back on it all... and what Bob said...
Change the words, don't change the meaning. Meaning is EVERYTHING

Very sweet. I love the stanza with the metaphors about oceans and bridges and islands.

Siegfried,


I think there's promise here, but it doesn't start to show itself until S2.

Starting S1 with:

Like Romeo and Juliet,
Theirs is a window of love,

is akin to setting your feet in concrete before the race. The reader is immediatly hoping that the poem will improve. It's not a good engagement strategy.

I agree with Bob on his comments about logical structure, diction changes, and the other things that have made the reading more natural, but overall the tone is effective. The language in S2 is both personal and stately, as befits the subject.

I feel that your symbolism gets a bit heavy-handed in certain places; namely, all of S3, which while not suffering any fatal flaws has been subject to use in far too many poems. If you begin with a window, please end with it, or make some (visible) connection between the two.

And with land we can build
Bridges to each other heart.

did not generate any image for me.

It's worth a second pass, though.


Best,
Brad

This is a sweet poem, but ver cliche. I like the comparison however. I love the bridge idea. I usually like poems that rhyme, which yours doesn't. But that is personal preferance. I couldn't find a rhythem however. This bothered me because to me there was no flow to this poem. Poems usually have a flow. A little bit longer would help determine the connection with you and Romeo and Juliet. But, I like the idea! 007