Love elegy

Everything is perfect but i'm still sad,
He holds me and hugs me but i'm still mad.
It's the middle of summer but i'm so cold,
I'm only fifteen but feel so old.
I'm full of emotions but feel so hollow,
he's there to lead but i cannot follow,
he wants so little but asks of too much,
i feel so distant but can sense his touch.

The lambs they jump anticipating a fall,
the trees they go but never stand tall,
the flowers they blossom but only too die,
the butterflys flutter too fearful to fly.
I'm experiencing life but feel so dead,
everythings so blank, my skin peachy red.

Minutes pass by but time stands still,
everything immaculate but my feelings i spill.
The birds they sing but are not heard,
he says he loves me, i say not a word.
Everything is perfect as i write this verse,
i'm only sad 'cos things can only get worse!

it was all good until my skin is peachy red , i didnt quite get that . [/quote]

I think you're focusing too much on the rhyme. Unless it's done really well, it tends to take away from the meaning. The second and third stanzas were pretty good, but they seem to belong in a completely different poem than the first. Next time you write a poem, think about the main point you want to get across. Write about that, then edit for structure and rhythm and such. Sidetracking is fine, just make sure you take out those parts before presenting the "final" version. The "sidetracks" can end up inspiring a wonderful poem later on, so save them to look back on later.

On a minor grammatical point: "the flowers they blossom but only too die," I'm not certain you mean "too" as in "also" here. If you don't, then you mean "to".

Now to end this on a good point:

Minutes pass by but time stands still,
everything immaculate but my feelings i spill.
The birds they sing but are not heard,

The wording's a little awkward (I already addressed forced rhyming) but these lines are still quite pretty. The next line that I didn't copy sort of detracts from this.

Keep writing! :thumb:

I think you're focusing too much on the rhyme. Unless it's done really well, it tends to take away from the meaning. The second and third stanzas were pretty good, but they seem to belong in a completely different poem than the first. Next time you write a poem, think about the main point you want to get across. Write about that, then edit for structure and rhythm and such. Sidetracking is fine, just make sure you take out those parts before presenting the "final" version. The "sidetracks" can end up inspiring a wonderful poem later on, so save them to look back on later.

On a minor grammatical point: "the flowers they blossom but only too die," I'm not certain you mean "too" as in "also" here. If you don't, then you mean "to".

Now to end this on a good point:

Minutes pass by but time stands still,
everything immaculate but my feelings i spill.
The birds they sing but are not heard,

The wording's a little awkward (I already addressed forced rhyming) but these lines are still quite pretty. The next line that I didn't copy sort of detracts from this.

Keep writing! :thumb:

niteowl exactly rite free yourself a bit from rhythm

its clever u made it rhyme tho doing it that way has limited your selection in words which you prob could have made it a bit more creative but in saying that its a good poem which rhymes so goood try keep at it

I liked it. The wording was a little awkward at parts, but it was overall very good. Keep it up!

-*-*--Diana--*-*-