Young Writers Society

Behold! My epic return from the depths of NaNoWriMo and private school!
Okay. So. This is part of a series of poems I'm writing around Pretty Little Lucifer, because it's been staring at me from inside of three folders begging to have something done with it. It spawned many plot bunnies that have been knawing on my brain for a while now. I may or may not post all of series on here when it's finished. This installment is set when both characters are around nine/ten years old.


Little girl dance in the sun,
Wild flowers woven in her hair.
You watch her greedily from the shadows,
This pretty little thing that fascinates you
(You’ve always liked forbidden things)

She takes your hand, tugging you into her light.
You spin her in a perfect circle.
The sound of her giggle makes you grin.
(But when you blink, she’s gone)
Just like magic.

When you have to escape,
(Daddy’s drinking again)
You climb the tree in the playground and watch her try to fly.
She spreads her arms,
Falling slowly down to earth,
And you trace the shape of wings on her back
With deft fingers in the air.

When you see nine candles on a cake,
Lips pressed to hair and blinding smiles,
And you realize she is loved.
You look in the mirror,
And it’s not an angel you see there.
(You close your eyes so that you almost disappear)

The night you “fall down the stairs,"
She stares with wide eyes,
Reaching out to touch a darkening bruise.
You flinch away.
Because you get it now;
You’re dirty, tainted, damaged.
You’re lost.
And you don’t want to infect her too.
(It’s time to embrace it now, devil boy)

This tiny, pretty thing that fascinates you

"This tiny, pretty thing" is not the smoothest of words... If you'd like it to be a bit better you could put it as "This pretty little thing", or "This pretty little thing", or think of your own!

You spin her in a perfect circle;
The sound of her giggle makes you grin.

Wowowowow, LOVEE.

As always, I love your poetry, Sar-Sar. Other than the two bits above I didn't see anything wrong with it.

So, great great job! I loved it and am sosososososo happy that you're making a series - that's just the best idea EVERR *fangirl scream*

Anyways, awesome poem!

Keep writing, as always,
Nixy

Hey Sierra,

That was good. Really good!
Although I felt that the bits in brackets,

(You’ve always liked forbidden things)

(But when you blink, she’s gone)

(Daddy’s drinking again)

(You close your eyes so that you almost disappear)

(It’s time to embrace it now, devil boy)

were quite disconnected from the rest of the poem. That aside, the words did flow quite carelessly, which is nice. I just wasn't getting it with the above words.

Good work, though!

NightWriter x

I really like this. It was very flowery and had an artistic and unique sort of flow to it. The only thing I'm a bit lost on is the words in the parentheses? Some are confusing and they don't quite go along with the rest. If you were meaning to make them stick out, then good job.
Maybe you also were trying to tell a story (each thing in parentheses is a plot point), then that definitely works, and I can actually see now, looking back that that would make sense.

Sierra wrote:When you have to escape,
(Daddy’s drinking again)
You climb the tree in the playground and watch her try to fly.
She spreads her arms,
Falling slowly down to earth,
And you trace the shape of wings on her back
With deft fingers in the air.

My favorite stanza!~ I love this poem, you've just earned a like from me, which to be quite honest is not something I dole out too often. Keep writing!

Hey! How are you doing?
Firstly, Happy Writing
Secondly, my critics, lets see...around the poem i was confused as whats the girl actually in relation to the poet. At first i thought she was the dream girl who acts as a sanctuary to the poet, then i mistook her with a guardian angel and then at the end she was somewhat a motherly figure protector? Sorry, maybe i didn't get it but i'm a little confused.
Thirdly, WOW! i loved it over all. the description and the feeling and some sensation. I really fell for it so bravo! it took me in an imagination! <3
Sharp me and rub me
Pencil <3