Young Writers Society

A poem I wrote about my grandmother, she is the brilliance that guides me c:
Thanks gran! All critiques are welcome, I'm always looking to improve, so hit me with your best shot, critcs (;

Her Invisible Sky

I narrow my eyes, brilliant blue in color
filled with the essence of curiosity.
She stares back, crystals glinting
filled with the glimmer of generosity.

I scrunch my brows together,
little wrinkles folding my skin.
She stitches her mouth into a smile,
little crinkles of age round her grin.

My lips spew out every thought,
piping out steam like a teapot.
Her lips sing words of wisdom,
like a lullaby in this chaotic kingdom.

My hands touch the cover of her book,
fingertips pouncing onto the first page.
Her hands pass on an iron pen,
as she offers a hesitant gaze.

This book, held together by bandages.
She says to me, it is a fragile package.
This pen, its ink of permanence.
It cannot be erased, but take a chance.

For if you use a pencil,
Erasing at every mistake,
Or if you use a stencil,
Producing something fake,
There will be nothing true etched
upon your blackened heart.
So all I ask,
is that when I part,
Do not live a lie.
I will be watching,
up there in my
invisible sky.

oh wow! This is really great!I love the story this poem tells, and how you described yourself and your grandmother in the beginning, it really helps to create a mental image. The poem flows rather well, and the little descriptive details are really nice. I just have two questions:

SwallowedByInsanity wrote:My hands touch the cover of my it's your book? book,
fingertips pouncing onto the first page.
Her hands pass on an iron pen,
as she offers a hesitant gaze.

This book, held together in in, or by? bandages.
She says to me, it is a fragile package.

besides these places of confusion, I really enjoy this piece! I love the last part, about writing in pen, instead of pencil or stencil. I love the message of that part!Truly a fantastic kind of truth!Overall this poem is vivid because of it's descriptions and quite enjoyable because of the tone you give this story! nice work!

So incredibly lovely. i honestly fell in love with this poam it has such a beautiful message. the last stanza has got to be my favorite, i love the point of using a pen aswell, and it reads so smoothly. Im not a stickler for grammer so i didnt notice anything. it was great and im so happy i had a chance to read this. please keep on wriiting.

Beautiful imagery.

WOW... I absolutely love this poem, especially the story it tells!
BRILLIANT

Beautiful. Reminds me of my deceased Grandmother, and how much of an extraordinary person she really was. makes you appreciate your elders all the more. Well done.

Hi Jackie! Al here for a Quick Critique!

We all love our grandmothers don't we? We'll I for one do. When I talk to my gran-gran, I feel definitely at home. It's like I'm in the hands of an angel. Then I smell her scent...nostalgic. It simply brings out memories. While reading your work, I found this small pieces of memories both from me and, I think, you. And within these two is an influx of story and imagery. Beautiful.

Concept & Theme:
I absolutely love people who dedicate their works to other human beings. And to your grandmother, I'm being hinted that she seems very special not only to you but to everyone. It's great that you affixed the whole poem in a memory. This not only speaks about you as a person but it also helps bring out us reader's memories too. Brilliantly sewn theme, by the way. It's like a human enigma spilled onto paper.

Technicalities:
Here's a comprehensive review of the poem's technical side:

I narrow my eyes, brilliant blue in color This talks about you, which is good
filled with the essence of curiosity.
She stares back, crystals glinting I think you didn't exactly say what 'crystals' are. I undrstood it, but it took a few seconds...
filled with the glimmer of generosity.
I scrunch my brows together, Fine work on shortening this one
little wrinkles folding my skin.
She stitches her mouth into a smile, Figurative speech, nice
little crinkles of age round her grin.
My lips spew out every thought,
piping out steam like a teapot. Use a metaphor instead of simile here
Her lips sing words of wisdom,
like a lullaby in this chaotic kingdom. This one's too technical, change the words
My hands touch the cover of her book,
fingertips pouncing onto the first page. Very creative; it brought out an image
Her hands pass on an iron pen, If the pen is made out of iron, try another word that exemplifies metallic 'cause it breaks out the emotion
as she offers a hesitant gaze.
This book, held together by bandages. I like this
She says to me, it is a fragile package.
This pen, its ink of permanence.
It cannot be erased, but take a chance. What does 'take a chance' exemplify?
For if you use a pencil,
Erasing at every mistake,
Or if you use a stencil,
Producing something fake, Don't use 'produce'
There will be nothing true etched
upon your blackened heart.
So all I ask,
is that when I part,
Do not live a lie. Great word choice here!
I will be watching,
up there in my
invisible sky. Wonderful ending, it really ties up eveything!

Actually, you didn't make any grammatical or spelling mistakes, just a bit odd usage of some, only some, words

Content:
Rhyming is present in your piece, but it didn't make out a consistent pattern. Although I must say, these verses:

My hands touch the cover of her book,
fingertips pouncing onto the first page.
Her hands pass on an iron pen,
as she offers a hesitant gaze.

though not rhyming brought out so much impact and emotion. Finely made! Great work!

Overall:
Superb! Very intense, emotional and the intention of writing it is so serene! Lovely and innovative, like Adam Young's (my favorite poet/songwriter). I'd like to see more and more of your posts!

Keep writing and good luck,
Al

P.S. Please don't swallow me