Young Writers Society

Summer

The sun beats down on
my back. Everything is
bright. Summer is here.

Hey Justagirl

Firstly to say I really like this And from this I can conclude that HAIKU'S DO LIKE YOU!

One thing though the structure of a haiku is 5 syllables then 7 syllables then 5 again and in your poem you only have 6 syllables in the second line! I'm sure this is just a counting error! It does however affect how your lines end up. What you could do is put bright on the second line and come up with another syllable on the bottom line - or indeed change the bottom line. You could include something about how it's blinding to fit with how it's so bright maybe?!

Other than that though I loved it because for me it really sums up what summer is like - you know summers here when you feel that sun! Though lately we've had that kind of sun in winter - GLOBAL WARMING!

Anyway I liked it - *Stars*
Keep Writing,
Lydia

Hi! Thank-you for the last review you did of my prologue. Much appreciated! Now, down to business: I liked this. Often, I think Haiku's are a little lacking in emotion, because so mcuh effort is put into counting and making sure everything is the right length ect...but I did see a glimmer of emotiom reflecting through your words - well done! I'm a bit rubbish with haikus: I've never reviewed one, wrote one, or plan to write one...but I just want to let you know that I enjoyed it - keep writing, Alzora!
And, what should I call you for short? Al or Alzi or something? You can call me Am or Alia for for short, If you fancy! Once again, well done, *like*, and I look forward to reading some more of your work soon!
~ Alia

It seems haikus do like you. The second line is iffy. If you was everything as such: ev-er-ry-thing. then the line will have seven syllables, but if you say it as ev-ry-thing, then the line will only have 6 syllables, so maybe change that line up some. In conclusion, great job! Keep Writing!

Thank you all for your likes and reviews! (More will also be appreciated ).

I do say everything as ev-er-ry-thing so that's why I counted it as 4 syllables instead of 3. But thank you for your concerns anyways

Thank you all,
Alzora

Nice. Everyone else pretty much said what I would've so yeah... Just make sure when you submit this that you put a note about your syllable count or she probably will count wrong again.

Hello again Alzora. I consider haikus a bit of a speciallity of mine, so if you don't mind, I'll take a look at yours.

This is almost an excellent example of a haiku. You have two of the three tennants of a haiku; 17 on(Japanese sound units, translated (though not entirely accurately) as syllables), and a kigo (seasonal/nature reference). However, you're missing the third essential element of haiku, namely, keriji, also known as a "cutting word". The keriji must come at the end of either the first line or second line, and separate and provide a pedal for the two ideas in the poem. The problem with your haiku is that is contains 3 ideas, not the usual two, and your ideas carry from one line to the next. This makes it very difficult to "cut". I would suggest you combine the first and second ideas into a single idea, and "cut" at the end of the second line. Something like this:

"The bright sun beats down,
Warming my cold, exposed back.
Summer is now here.

Here, the keriji is 'back'. Can you see how this finishes the first idea and breaks the piece up into two distinct parts? As I said, this "cutting" is one of the three essential elements of a haiku.

I hope this helps,
K

I like the title choice on this short and simple, now the story however is okay you could have mad it a little longer and more details into it. I just feel that it was too short and ended quick like i said just make more of your poems longer and more detailed and you'll do an awesome job!! Keep on writing.

Very nice! This actually gave me the image of a boiling hot summer... and it's November!
I really enjoyed this haiku. I don't think I've ever seen a haiku that chops up the sentences like that. It definitely works! I didn't think you could even do that
Anyway, I liked this a lot! Haiku can be pretty difficult to write (I speak from experience. Speaking of haiku, would you like to check out mine? Please? You don't have to, but it'd be nice...
Stay Awesome,
Socks

Great poem, I love that you used a haiku, I find it very hard to write haiku's but it looks like it's is easy to you.