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Young Writers Society


The Abandoned Park



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92 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 294
Reviews: 92
Tue Nov 29, 2011 7:37 pm
anna91423 says...



Walking home in the premature dark,
I saw the lonely and abandoned park.
not a soul sat on the swings today,
not a single child out to play.

Winter stole the joy of the playground,
whilst summer shrunk away without a sound.
With her she stole the laughter and the fun,
nobody at the park if there isn't any sun.

I think about childhood shrinking away,
like summer being so gradually replaced,
until one day you look into the dark,
and realise your life is an abandoned park.

And now I shiver in the premature dark,
as I sit on a swing in an abandoned park.
Last edited by anna91423 on Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:40 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Books are the ultimate dumpees: put them down and they'll wait for you forever; pay attention to them and they will always love you back." John Green

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." Stephen Chbosky
  





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66 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3030
Reviews: 66
Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:08 am
Adriana says...



Hi, there!
First of all, I must say this is an amazin poem, and I wouldn't be surprised if it gets featured!
anna91423 wrote:Walking home in the premature dark,
I saw the lonely and abandoned park.
not a soul sat on the swings today,
not a single child out to play.

This is a great start! Just start the third stanza with "Not".
anna91423 wrote:I think about childhood shrinking away.
Like summer, being so gradually replaced,
until one day you look into the dark,
and realize your life is an abandoned park.


(Just some corrections)

Anyways, good work!
I really can't wait to read more from you!
Feel free to PM me! Keep writing!
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.


"This is calm, and it's doctor!" (My DR. Reid -- Best line ever)
  





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662 Reviews



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Points: 52441
Reviews: 662
Wed Nov 30, 2011 2:13 am
dogs says...



Hey Anna! Dogs here! I really love this poem! It flows perfectly and sounds great. I really love this poem for my favorite imagist writing style, you really paint a strong image in the readers head which you nailed in this poem! You also managed to put in the subtle deeper meaning to this poem about losing innocence and it ties in perfectly with the abandoned park metaphor. Also, i'm a huge fan of short poems so this piece definitly checked off all the things i look for when i write and read a poem. Props to you Anna! Hope you get featured!!!!!!! Keep up the good work!





TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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249 Reviews



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Points: 9525
Reviews: 249
Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:22 am
murtuza says...



Hey, Anna!

This poem really reminds me of a children's story about a monster and his garden, but far more of a serious tone than that!

I like the imagery you've laid out here and I feel that there was so much of atmosphere oozing from withing the lines. It is a small poem with great descriptions and with a subtle yet distinguishable dark undertone to it.

I've enjoyed reading this piece and I'm already eager for your next :D

Murtuza
:)
It's not about the weight of what's spoken.
It's about being heard.
  





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92 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 294
Reviews: 92
Thu Dec 01, 2011 5:04 pm
anna91423 says...



Thanks for the positive feedback and corrections, really appreciated! :)
"Books are the ultimate dumpees: put them down and they'll wait for you forever; pay attention to them and they will always love you back." John Green

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." Stephen Chbosky
  








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