Death

Eyes burning,
Lungs aching
No one to save me,
I sink ever further
The world is dark,
But somewhat peaceful
Will it stay this way?
No air in this prison,
Nothing to live by
Somehow I don’t care
Is that wrong?
To want peace?
If I die, will no one miss me?
Or will the world go on without?
Shadows closing in,
The end is almost near
I yearn for it,
Feel for it
Goodbye...

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A/N: I wrote this poem after someone drowned in a creek near my house. I didn't know him, but a lot of my friends did. This is dedicated to him and anyone else who knew him. R.I.P.

Hello! Sorry to hear out your friend D:

A few nitpicks:

AwesomeSocks wrote:Eyes burning,
Lungs aching.
No one to save me,.
I sink ever further.
The world is dark,
But somewhat peaceful. How is drowning peaceful? I don't like this sentance.
Will it stay this way?
No air in this prison,
Nothing to live by.
Somehow I don’t care.
Is that wrong?
To want peace?
If I die, will no one miss me?
Or will the world go on? /without?
Spots closing in,
The end is almost near.
I yearn for it,
Feel for it.
GoodbyeEither a period or a '...' could go here.

Nice poem! Personally, I feel this was too crowded. You should add spaces between the stanzas. Was this a free verse poem? I didn't see any rhymes, so it must have been.

Hope I helped! Keep writing.

- Ariel<3'

I'm sorry for the guy who drowned near you're house :S R.I.P to him too

I found your poem very touching :') It was very powerful and meaningful.

I found this line a little. Well, awkward?
"Spots closing in,"
It doesn't make complete sense if your trying to compare that sentence with death.

And also here,
"If I die will no one miss me?"

I think it would be more appropriate like this:
"If I die, will anyone miss me?"

That's all I found
Keep it up!

Would give this a 9 three-forth/ 10.

Again, great job & Keep Writing!

Love,
Cookie ^^

I really liked this...Perhaps it's the relatible context...Or the similar approach to morbid subjects that I use in my writing, probably both...I am really sorry to heart of this loss, it is heartbreaking.
I would love to talk to you about dark poems some time, I think we could learn from each other