crawling

Crawling on my knees desperate for your attention
My existence is based on your touch
Even the smartest girls fall on their face from flying high
Being alone for so long watching you glide by
Miles apart that words don’t even reach you in time
I pray to not be your prey any longer
Dependence of your promises even when broken
I walk upon then just the hear the crush and not the silence
Stronger than before but weaker in your light
The power over me is taking my heart along with my breath
Suffocated but okay with it
Desperate but refused to accept it
Surrounded by your empty voices as your try to unclench my grasp
But won’t say it out loud
Crawling on my knees begging for another perfect nightmare
Starring Yours truly
With an ending this time

Hi there! Welcome to YWS!

I liked this poem. It's simple and easy to read/understand which is a good thing! The flow of this piece is great and I couldn't find any place where you broke from it. This poem has a certain rhythm to it and you kept it alive throughout the whole thing. You have great emotion in this. I saw this as one of those 'no matter what you do I'm going to stand up and be the bigger person' poems. If that's not what you meant it to be, I'm sorry, but that's how it sounds to me. And you did a great job portraying that idea.

I pray to not be your prey any longer

I really, really like this line. I like how you used prey and pray, two words that sound the same, but whose definitions are completely different. It added some flavor to the poem and fit into the rhythm.

Overall this is a good poem. Keep writing!

Great poem! Beautiful rhyme scheme! Great flow! At my first look at this piece, I didn't like the structure! But it really plays to the poems strengths as you read it!


Crawling on my knees begging for another perfect nightmare
Starring Yours truly
With an ending this time

Great ending! The metaphors in this poem were amazing! I love how this is a love poem without it being shoved in your face, but creative enough to allow the readers imagination to fly! Great job! Keep writing!

Hi! First off, I like this piece. One of the reasons I like it is because it's a little unrefined, a little rough around the edges, and I think that corresponds with the point you're trying to make. That being said, I feel that if you had taken the time to refine it just a little, it would've been stellar rather than just very good.

Crawling on my knees desperate for your attention
My existence is based on your touch
Even the smartest girls fall on their face from flying high
Being alone for so long watching you glide by

For example, I feel that this could've been much better if you'd have taken the time to punctuate it.

Crawling on my knees, desperate for your attention.
My existence is based on your touch.
Even the smartest girls fall on their face from flying high,
being alone for so long, watching you glide by.

It's so much clearer this way, and I don't find myself getting stuck muddling through the lines. However, if you felt like leaving punctuation out, you could've accentuated the verses by breaking the poem down into stanzas and leaving the sentences just the way they are. Just a suggestion.

I genuinely like this poem. It's a good piece of work containing genuine feelings. It has a great amount of potential. With just a few corrections, it could be truly awesome.

Nice job! Keep writing!!

Evening, lolly!

I’m not a huge fan of this—not because it lacks content or a solid foundation, but because it has this striking presence that you didn’t use spell check before posting, or took the time to sprinkle some lovely punctuation through the piece. Now, since I’m a picky reader and reviewer, I’m fairly demanding when it comes to punctuation and grammar and all that jazz—either use it properly or leave it out. As the case stands, you’ve left punctuation out, but used capitalization improperly. Given that, I want you to consider this:

Try writing your poetry as you’d write a piece of fiction—use proper capitalization, punctuation, and emphasis where necessary—and then add in the line breaks. You’ll suddenly find your poetry to be both grammatically correct and aesthetically pleasing, as the flow of your poetry will be helped by the natural feeling of where you place the line breaks.

On that note, I also feel that you should pay more attention to your line breaks in order to help your flow. Since flow either helps or hinders the accessibility of your poetry, having a lack of good, well-planned line breaks can devastate your piece’s potential.

I want you to go through this piece and make sure you mean the words you put in here—there are instances of misused words, split infinitives, all sorts of grammatical nightmares that would get you eaten alive by any poetry professor. And so I’m suggesting you shine this up quite a bit, and consider reading your work through thoroughly before you post. Act like your own reviewer.

As far as content goes, your use of images and specific adjectives works well—your descriptive skills are keen and you show a good hand with ideas, though it clearly lacks refinement. For instance, your lines: “The power over me is taking my heart along with my breath / Suffocated but okay with it / Desperate but refused to accept it” show a firm idea of atmosphere and mood, but they’re watered down and destroyed by your integration of colloquial phrases and “this but not really” turns of words. I suggest overhauling for these instances.

I hope this helped, but let me know if you have questions or comments.

-Lumi

Hellooo! So if you added some punctuation for the sake of it... structured this up a bit - like, divide it into stanzas mainly... I think this poem could be really, very good. It's not bad now though, I love it sorta, I just like structure!

This piece has got great flow, and each line is very powerful - you use imagery and you capture emotion... sometimes I feel though, like the descriptive words you use, mainly the adjectives are just inserted because you need an adjective, not because it gives the poem anything.

"Surrounded by your empty voices as your try to unclench my grasp" - This line for example, is both grammaticly wrong and doesn't make much sense to me. I guess it should be "Surrounded by your empty voice, as you try to unclench my grasp" - But I still feel like this line doesn't give much. You have other lines that are much more powerful like;

"The power over me is taking my heart along with my breath
Suffocated but okay with it
Desperate but refused to accept it" - These three lines are all very heartfelt, these lines express emotions much better and the words stay with you and feel meaningful!

Finally, your grade! If you structure it up, fix your grammar... because the grammar was actually quite awful... and all, I think this could reach all 5 icky, sticky spiders. As it is now I'll only give it 3½... maybe 4/4 icky sticky spiders

Hope I could be of help!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I really like this piece because It really shows some raw emotion.
But yes you do have punctuation errors but nothing time and practice will fix. please keep writing