Open the Door

Spoiler

This is out of a real moment in my life. Every word, metaphor and anything else is true. Happened around 6 years ago.

The night grinned doom with pleasure.
It trapped me like a fly in a web.

“Open the door, Mother, let me in!”
My fists struck the front door with thunderous force.

“I’m fine, honey. Come back tomorrow!”
Her words struck me like a thousand needles up my spine.

I could hear her whisper to her friend;
She wanted me gone.

“I will stay all night, let me in!”
I bellowed with a fear that pricked my heart to a standstill.

Thump! Thump! Thump!
Silence.

Dunk! Dunk! Dunk!
Night.

“Ashan, let me in now!”
I screamed with the selfish naivety of a fourteen year old.

“Come back tomorrow!”
I was bathed in rejection.

Mother was the queen, Ashan the slave;
I the common enemy.

My door mocked me with an outstretched tongue.
I punched it with fuming ferocity.

Mother was engaged to suicide,
and in time would be married to it.

The universe had stripped me of choices.
It was forcing me to leave.

“No!”
But my words were meaningless echoes.

Spoiler

Fret not. Mother is alive and well now. Knock on wood.

Hi,

There is something about this poem that appeals to me, even though I think it's very weird. And I don't know why.
I love how you built it, I love the rhythm and your choice of words, but I think the meaning is rather odd.

I don't really know what to say to this other than I love it, I love the weirdness, the mystery, the rhythm, everything!
And I find that very strange, but I really do!

(I figure the start of the review is sorta' misleading, so don't get me wrong, I really love the poem!)

Keep writing!

This is exceptional! The story is defenitly diferent but normal isn't good so i loved it! I'm not exactly sure if it is about a girl locked out of her mother the queen and the slaves house or if it is mutch more than that? But i guess thats the good in poetry the simple mystery in each peice. You have talent in poetry remember tell me if you ever need anything reveiwed this was amazing!
Good job!

Hi there!

This is a good poem and tells a good story. You have great description in this and great imagery. I really got a good picture in my head of this situation. You pit good emotion into this so the reader can definitely sympathize with the kid who's just trying to get to their mother. I do feel like the mother wasn't right though. If someone was about to commit suicide, would they simply tell their child to go away? Would they really say something like, 'Come back tomorrow?' I just feel like they would be really enotional because there's got to be some reason for them to committ suicide and it's most likely nagging at their soul and mind.

Mother was engaged to suicide,
and in time would be married to it.

I like this line. You didn't simply tell us that she was committing suicide, you showed us in terms that we understand.

Overall this is a good poem. Keep writing!

Danii! I love reading your poetry, it's never the same!

This piece had great imagery and descriptions and I loved these two lines

"Mother was engaged to suicide,
and in time would be married to it." - Very creative!

My one nitpick with this is the ryth and flow which isn't very good due to the variation of lengths in the lines. They are way too long at times followed by a very short one and that doesn't benefit the rythm at all I'm afraid

Your punctuation is good though and overall I enjoyed reading this quite alot!

You get 4/5 icky sticky spiders! xD

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I absolutely love this poem!! I love the creativity in this piece. I can almost here the character's fists pounding against the door. However I feel like poems should leave you with a question in your head. Maybe make your poems slightly more vague.

Oh god, what you wrote scared the life out of me. I still liked it a lot. Your poetry attracted my attention and once I started reading, I couldn't stop till I'd read it all. You could do really well if you write short stories too. You're a born writer, I can say.

first off let me say you did a wonderful poem, very unique and i loved it. the emotions she was feeling were so vivid and my attention was grasped as i started reading it right to the very last line.i rarely read poetry like this,that is also taken as a story at the same time. it was something raw:)
nice job!

I liked the suspence and tragedy. It gave me the feeling that the kid was desperate to help. The poem was knocking at my door! The fact that it really happened gave it strength.