No Name

How do we attempt
to string words anew
to describe the presence
of wonders that we view

A tickle in your ear
of a cheerful birds tune
As it intertwine's with nature alike
How do we feel enlightened so soon?

it remains nameless

A sudden moist dribble
startles and comforts your touch
As we hope, surprises always magnify our love
How are we to explain that rush?

it remains nameless

A welcoming graze
of the grass below
Invite us to relish in their company
As they bloom and grow
How do we sing their sweet soft sympathy?

it remains nameless

An invisible glow
ignites an entire room
Through a smile
illuminating with gifts
As it opens for those in need
How do we thank this spirit of second chances

it remains nameless

The simplest of wonders
although maybe ordinary
The response in it's surroundings
leaves but one exemplary

it's name?

Extraordinary

Hey. I really like the flow of the poem. Not one place did I feel that there was something off. You stayed with the rhythm. That's good. You wrote professionally. That's even better.
I loved the title; it's really catchy. And I liked the way you repeated the line,

unmarkedterritory wrote:it remains nameless

at the right time.

unmarkedterritory wrote:it's name?

Extraordinary

This is one of the best endings I've ever read. You ended the poem quite smoothly so hats off to you for that since you didn't disturb the flow of the poem with it.

hey there, i reviewed your poem and it really grabbed my attention. i loved the flow and rhythm you had going.the use of words and meaning towards it. amazing job!

Wow.

Your rhyming sounded completely natural; not forced or odd sounding.

An invisible glow
ignites an entire room
Through a smile
illuminating with gifts
As it opens for those in need
How do we thank this spirit of second chances

it remains nameless

The simplest of wonders
although maybe ordinary
The response in it's surroundings
leaves but one exemplary

it's name?

Extraordinary

The end was my favorite part. It sounds like something I wish I could write, but everytime I try it ends up sounding awful.

All in all an insanely good piece.

Well, after reading your review I couldn’t help but feel like my writing was good, but after reading this piece I have learned that your writing is extraordinary. The entire structure is beautiful, the ending made the entire piece for me personally. You rhymed but you never overdid it and I utterly love this piece.

My reviews are generally honest, and I do something that I don’t think all reviewers do, I can sometimes give helpful ideas for small edits in a line or two, to help with the coherence. If you don’t like my ideas, I completely understand, this is your piece not mine, but here I go.

of a cheerful bird tune

I might say, "of a cheerful birds tune" just to describe one subject (the bird) to make it a little more pesonal.

As they intertwine with nature alike

And if you were to change it, you should also make this line, "As it intertwine's with nature alike"

As we hope, surprises could always feel this magical

This line didnt make a lot of sense to me, so I was thinking maybe something along the lines of "As we hope for magical surprises such as this"

A welcoming graze
of the grass below
Invite us to relish in their company
As they bloom and grow
How do we sing their sweet soft sympathy?

This was my favorite stanza of them all

All in all, fantastic job, I mean that. I am so happy that I got a chance to read this poem. You already know how the ending affected me, and I wouldn’t change anything about the piece other than a few lines to help the coherence. Thanks so much for reviewing my piece and following me because now I am going to follow you.
~SnowBerry

Hii, I really respect your use of rhyming shemes, nothing sounds forced and it just ease the flow and make the poem amazingly good! I also like the repeated use of the line "it remains nameless" but I believe you should have the "i" in "it" capitalized. A few lines were a bit too long to manage to hold the rythm steady as for example; "As we hope, surprises could always feel this magical" This line disturbed the flow and I don't think it make much sense in the content either, I don't really get what it refers to But overall I thought this was an enjoyable piece to read and I'll give it 3½/5 icky, sticky spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hellue again!

I like the imrovement! This line is more powerful, yet I still feel it's a bit long but I guess it'll have to do, shorten it down and you may loose too many words to create a vivid picture.

If you'd just consider captializing the one-lined stanzas I have nothing more to complain about and this is quite perfect


Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Heya! Okay so my first comment is for the title. No Name. It's a little ordinary and doesn't excite much interest. I'm thinking that Nameless would be better, or perhaps Annonymous or something just a little more exciting. I'm sure if you put your mind to it you'll come up with something! Remember: the better the title, the more likely people are to want to read it.

Line-By-Line

How do we attempt [This is something we call passive voice and not the best way to start a poem. Sometimes it works well, when you have the strength to build that whimsical tone but here it feels too flimsy. Try to be firmer, perhaps: 'How we attempt' which takes some of the uncertainty out of it.]
to string words anew
to describe the presence
of wonders that we view [This line is too long for the flow you've built up. Maybe 'of wonders in view' would flow more smoothly.]

Okay so far it's nice but could use some more visuals and your word choice isn't always exact. Don't just go with the first that comes to mind, question it, try replacing it with different words to see if there is one you like better. Think of the sound that it makes; say it out loud. A lot of poetry is about sound and choosing words that build the right atmosphere, that gell together in the right way or sometimes even, those that jar against each other.

A tickle in your ear
of a cheerful birds tune
As it intertwine's [No apostrophe needed here, but on the previous line, birds should have one.] with nature alike
How do we feel enlightened so soon? [Avoid these questions or at least, avoid phrasing them as questions.]

The next stanza could use some stronger imagery and I'm not sure about the refrain of 'it remains nameless'. I think if you're going to have a repeated line, it needs to be somewhat stronger or something that's going to take on more meaning as the poem develops. Yours remains a little stagnant. There's a certain ring to it though. As I said, I'm not sure; I'm in two minds about it. There's something I like there but it annoys me that it doesn't change or bring new revelation so it feels surplus at each repetition.

A welcoming graze
of the grass below
Invite us to relish in their company
As they bloom and grow
How do we sing their sweet soft sympathy? [Your rhymes are starting to sound forced in this stanza. Careful there! They were nice and subtle before but here there's not enough substance to the lines so it feels like they've been built around the rhyme scheme instead of the other way around.]

There's a nice sound to the next stanza, not much to comment on there. The one after doesn't flow very well; the second line is very awkward - although maybe ordinary - and the last two don't mesh either. It's too wordy compared to the simplicity of your other stanzas and there's no image for the mind to grasp. It's just words.

The ending's nice enough, though it could have been stronger. I'm not sure if extraordinary was the best way to describe something nameless, something so beautiful and breath taking that you can't put a word to it. I'm not sure if I like that you named it at all. Perhaps this is the change to your refrain that I was looking for; if you ended simply with 'It remains nameless' that would give new life to the words.

So overall this is a pretty good poem but it's still very raw. The flow is a little stiff in places and very awkward in others and I think your choice of wording is sometimes clumsy. You're defineately on the right track though and hopefully I've given you a few ideas for improvements. Send a pm if you have any questions!

Heather xxx